sranks | a necromancer and a priestess walk into a confessional

...Are you certain you do not mind this? I...I can leave...

[Amaya...attempts to do just that and just kind of ends up falling face into Zvei, sorry--]

I...do not wish to make you uncomfortable.

[Oof. He wriggles a bit, but it's only so he can get his back free, since he doesn't like anything pressed up against it, whether that's the back of the couch or the blanket nest. The proximity is totally fine, strangely enough.]

I'm not, don't worry. I'd rather not see you shivering, so we can stay like this.

[Amaya feels Zvei adjust a bit, and she's tempted further to free herself from him--he doesn't like anything pressed against his back, but the fight slowly leaves her as his words finally hit her, yellow eyes dully looking up at his own from within the dark and...

...

Amaya finds her gaze averting, seeming almost...shy, for once.]

...I...didn't think you cared that much about such a thing. Are you...

[...

Amaya stops her words short, pausing for a moment. She's got her arms down on the couch to keep herself propped up at least, so she isn't just...lying on him, but it's strange how warm this feels. It's...

It's causing an empty feeling to rise up in her.]

...If you feel uncomfortable at any point, you may say so and I will leave. But...thank you. It's quite kind of you, to allow this. I...know you dislike others so near.

[Zvei inclines his head a bit, waiting for her to continue, but instead Amaya changes course. Are you okay with this? is his first thought, but he's already established that he is, and she doesn't need to ask again. Surely she knows by now that he wouldn't just say it if it wasn't true. But she chooses not to clarify, so he has to let it go.]

It's fine because it's you.

[Maybe he shouldn't say it, but it is the truth.]

Besides, we already share the bed. This is basically the same thing!

[Is it...??]

[It's fine because it's you.

Amaya repeats those words in her head again, and again. She ends up staring at Zvei for a little while, her strong arms sturdy but definitely starting to grow tired. But this is...a distance she needs to keep, she's sure. Encroaching on this space any further, it'd drive him away. She'd be alone. And she...

She doesn't want that. She's not sure why an icy feeling drives through her as her thoughts shift to that, but she's thankful for the dark to an extent. It hides just how badly she's flushing.]

...Is it? I...suppose, but...

[...]

...Thank you. I...think.

[Maybe she shouldn't say it like that, but truthfully, she's not sure what this feeling is that's growing inside of her, alongside this vast emptiness. She'll keep her arms propped up to give him some space at least, but...

Well. The wind blows again, and Amaya's willing to try and distract, trying to let herself ease a bit. Let it go Amaya, let it go. She just prays Zvei doesn't notice--]

...I doubt that they'll be able to get outside anytime soon to fix this. Remind me to go and check the...cold storage, when there's a chance. We're likely going to have to throw some things out.

Think nothing of it.

[Because it is nothing. Right? It's not anything worth putting too much thought into, he's sure. So Zvei lets it go, and he pretends he isn't insanely curious about what she's thinking and why she was so hesitant to respond—

But Amaya moves on, and Zvei allows it.]

Oh dear, you're right... I hadn't even thought about that. Well, here's hoping we aren't stuck like this for too long, otherwise food may become a bit more of a problem than anticipated...

[She doesn't know why she wants to be closer to him. She doesn't know what all of this is, what's making her head spin so dizzily, what's making her tap her fingers against the couch from where she still braces herself in their blanket burrito conjoinment. She has to stay distant. She has to. It would be far too much to bring them closer, and he'd be uncomfortable, she's sure of it. Certain of it. So why...

Why does Amaya want to break that barrier keeping them apart, to finally let herself sink into him and encroach on his space so much? She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve it, she doesn't deserve this, she doesn't want him to leave, she--]

If I could find a way to start a safe fire, I could...try to cook what we have left. I did think to grab some dry groceries that we could eat as is, at least. We should be good for a few days.

I do pray that will be enough. But...perhaps the city will put some sort of system in place, to ensure that people get food even in this storm.

[Amaya looks to Zvei, pausing a moment. Her arms are still holding steady at least, though...]

...It's...strange, like this. The world so quiet and without the constant buzzing of noise throughout the neighborhood. I...find that I do not mind the world, like this.

[...]

I'm...not sure what this feeling is.

I can use fire magic, but I'm not sure setting one in here is the best idea...

[The sprinkler systems would probably trigger and then we'd be wet and cold and we'd get frostbite!!! So yeah. Not really a great option.]

I imagine they'll be proactive about ensuring that everyone is taken care of. So far they've shown an eagerness to help everyone out, after all.

[He falls silent after that, though. For once, things are truly quiet. It's almost strange how surreal it is not to hear the lowkey hum from various electronics that has somehow become the norm in this place.]

I'm glad I'm not the only one! It feels... like some kind of tension. Like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I'm not sure what. Is that anything like what you're feeling?

If we had a fireplace...perhaps if we need to move in the future, we should look for a house with one.

[...

That's way too much, and Amaya feels her body language tighten at that. The silence is over them like a warm yet oppressive blanket. Probably not unlike the storm that blows and blows, the wind gusts not quite rattling the house but definitely heard.

But Zvei, bless his stupid soul, aggressively makes his observations known. It feels like a tension, something she's not sure if she should break. She shouldn't. She wants to. She can't. She just wants to be warm and this is enough. It has to be, because she'd just--]

...I...suppose. For me it is more...something may happen, but it shouldn't. It would be a terrible idea for it to. I...think.

[She doesn't sound certain. She just doesn't want to subject Zvei to herself, because she's a burden, she's only ever been a burden to all but two people and she really needs to let this go or he'll leave and she'll be alone again--

Amaya tenses, briefly. Her thoughts go to the way Aneirin would hold her close sometimes, at his insistence as she poured her feelings out to him. She's...strangely enough reminded of Satsuki and that one blessed week she had with the girl, the girl who loved to braid her short hair and told her she looked good in them. The one who held her close and tight and made a foreign, warm feeling bloom within her, that she'd longed for. For so long...

...]

...You wouldn't like it, I think.

[Amaya seems to have a better understanding of what's going on than he does. It seems to be within her power to do something about it, but he's not even sure what's causing any of this to begin with, or why it feels like this, or how to even begin approaching it. This isn't a problem he can solve with enough research and dedication; he doesn't have formulas or notes to fall back on to guide him either.

But Amaya knows something, and he has to ask, because he can't stand not knowing.]

How can you be so sure? What is it that "shouldn't" happen? Why are you hesitating?

You don't like people close to you. Even if I'm an exception, this is...

[Amaya hates this. She hates this, she hates that she's a stupid fucking human with wants of her own that she cannot even feel, that she can't understand, that she wants to close the distance between them and sink. Sink into him, sink into something that reminds her of home and the strange feeling she feels the Dragon ripping apart at the seams, laughing at her internally, and Amaya's posture it--

Everything about her feels tight, all of a sudden. Coiled like she's ready and willing to lash out and this isn't fair to Zvei, to burden him like this. She shouldn't want. She shouldn't need.]

I--I just can't, Zvei. I don't know what is wrong with me, if it's me, if it's her, if it's...something else entirely.

[...]

This...physical warmth, this proximity, it...reminds me of them.

Of Aneirin and Sacchin, I mean.

[It feels humiliating to admit that, and Amaya genuinely looks like she's considering fleeing before properly explaining everything.]

...It's not fair to expect you, to...be like they were to me.

Edited 2026-01-25 04:29 (UTC)

[...

Zvei blinks, trying to follow the half of the conversation he feels like he's hearing, but everything just isn't adding together and giving him an answer he can comprehend. Amaya is either three steps ahead of where she needs to be in this conversation, or he's on an entirely different plane of being, and he's not sure which it is.]

...I'm afraid I'm not following. Take a breath, miss Amaya. Start from the beginning.

[It isn't gentle, not really. Zvei's never been able to do gentle. But it's soft, slower, and curious. Not quite concerned, but with a measure of caution that isn't present in his usual curiosity. This isn't staring at Amaya like she's something on display that he can learn from, this is a softer approach, for whatever that's worth.]

[She doesn't want to. She doesn't want to let him in anymore than she already has. If he leaves, she'd--

It'd hurt so much worse, because he's only here because he wants to be. Amaya's never been wanted, before, in any capacity. Satsuki had wanted to bring her joy, of course, but she liked what Amaya could be rather than what she was. Amaya hadn't minded it at the time, because Satsuki had wanted better for Amaya. Or at least, Amaya assumed that she did.

Aneirin only keeps Amaya around because he gets something out of her, in allowing her little selfish things like that. In allowing her closeness, he has the easiest access to her misery and pain that she feels from feeling every single negative thing so sharply and clearly that it stinks. He's always there with a hand in her hair, with arms around her if needed and if she's comfortable with it, and he'd always let her cry or stay close.

If Amaya traces those feelings, then it's clear; she sees Zvei like she sees the two of them. As people she wants to be close to and comfortable with. But it's not fair, it's not fair to him, because all she's doing is forcing what she wants and--

Amaya takes a breath, but she finds herself shaking her head. She's silent for a moment like she isn't going to clarify, but slowly, she forces herself to.]

...Being this close to you reminds me of the ways that...Satsuki, and Aneirin would treat me. Satsuki liked to bring me close, whenever she could sneak me away from the others; into her arms, and I remember feeling this...warmth I could not identify. She said that it looked nice on me, to see that. I remember liking it quite a bit. I'm still not sure if I was more devastated to lose her, rather than the feelings she let me experience.

Aneirin...he would bring me this close whenever he fed off of me, or whenever I had a nightmare. He would take me into his arms with ease and bring me in close, letting me lie against him while he drained those negative, complicated feelings from me. It only brought emptiness, but it was preferable, to letting those feelings fester.

[She tries to sound it out, slow but sure, but it still isn't...]

Being...this close, it...made me want that, I think. To be close to someone, even here. I already feel an emptiness that I cannot identify at this much. I do not let anyone this close, and even when we sleep together, I try to keep some sort of distance, you know.

What I...think I do not like about this, is the idea that I could force my own feelings upon you. I've...had it done so much to me throughout my life--the idea that I've been doing that to you, here and now, it...feels like that is what this tension is, more than anything. That I am merely being selfish and forceful, without considering your own feelings on the matter.

[...]

...Even if you do not mind this now, that--those feelings, is only as this currently is. Is that not right? Or...am I misunderstanding?

Because all I want to do is sink into you, I think. And I do not want to make you uncomfortable.

[Zvei listens, and it really only starts to sink in as she finishes why exactly this is such a big deal to her. To him, this is nothing. Zvei has always been fiercely independent, and he will only ever do what he wants to do - nothing more, nothing less. No one can make him do anything, he chooses to act as he pleases. So the worry that she's inflicting her feelings on him and trying to force him to act in a certain way that suits her is laughable - because all of this has been second nature to him. He does it because he wants to. Nothing more, nothing less.]

I understand your worries, but you can set them aside. You aren't forcing me to do anything; I likely wouldn't let you even if you were to try, I'm rather contrary like that. Everything I do is because I want to do it.

[He moves then, to properly wrap an arm around her waist and pull her close.]

If you want the proximity, you simply have to ask. I may not want such a thing with most people, but under these circumstances, it'd be far smarter to share warmth than to risk frostbite. And besides, it's you, miss Amaya. I never mind it with you.

[And to him, it really is just that simple.]

[...It was really just that simple, the entire time?

Amaya pauses outright as she watches Zvei speak, and even in the dark, she can tell he's...well, he doesn't really lie to her, but he means what he's saying to her. She can't help but feel a little silly, in hindsight; the idea that he would be okay with such a thing had just been so foreign to her that it made her this tense and irrational. She's used to putting her wants to the wayside for the collective good; every bit of selfishness in her was better suited to go and take the path of least resistance, because she couldn't even feel any joy in it.

But then she feels his arm wrap around her waist and oh. She's used to pretty words, but...actions have always spoken louder than them, and Amaya feels herself flush as he encourages her closer. It takes a couple of seconds to let the tension out of her body, but...

Amaya gently allows her arms to relax as she lets herself sink into him, tension leaving her in small waves as she settles against him. The position she chooses in the end allows her to lay her head against his chest, one of her ears resting over his heart if he's willing to allow it while one ear seems to listen to the howling storm out there. It billows and blows, whistling practically as Amaya simply allows herself to listen for once.

And besides, it's you, miss Amaya. I never mind it with you.

What a strange, foreign thing to hear and...perhaps even actually believe, for once.]

...You are kinder to me than I deserve. I know you are deeply contrary at your heart, but...well. Perhaps I simply got myself into my own head again; do allow me to apologize for that. It may certainly happen again.

[...]

Thank you. You're...very warm; I think that if I were to put a word to what I cannot feel, it would be...nice.

As though I'm bothered by it? Nonsense. You know I'm just as likely to end up in a similar position.

[She finally lets herself relax and settle against him, and Zvei hums a bit in response, arms moving to wind around her. Were it anyone else, maybe he'd be wriggling for freedom already, but it's Amaya. Things are different with Amaya. Besides, he did mean what he said about the cold... and this is nice anyway.]

Just "nice"? I think I deserve at least a "comfortable"! [teehee] But I suppose I'll accept it for now~

[Amaya groans, halfheartedly giving him a shove in response to that. Shut uuuuup--]

Oh hush, you. You know that I am bad at this. [...] It...is comfortable, though. Listening to all of these sounds. Of you, and the world around us. The rest of the world feels far away like this.

[...Honestly, given how relaxed Amaya is right now, it's not entirely wrong. She's never let herself be this at ease--really, she almost feels like jello. In her lane and flourishing. His arms around her make her nestle further into him, eyes not closing but watching what little she can see from the windows as she lays a hand on top of one of his arms, the other settling at one of his sides.]

...It's nice. Having someone this close, that I trust.

[...Oh.

It's such a silly thing to get hung up over, considering that logically, he knows she trusts him. Why else would she agree to share an apartment, a bed, with him? Amaya trusts him. That's simply a fact.

But hearing it said aloud somehow sheds a new light on it, and for a brief moment his feelings do something. He's not sure what the hell it is, given that it's a quick flurry of conflicting and baffling, near-overwhelming things converging into an absolute mess that very quickly fades out as the of course she trusts me, given our situation kicks in.

He's left feeling a little hollow. Would a normal person keep these feelings for longer? Would they understand the feelings and why they're so conflicted? Would they have a better way to address all this?

His arms tighten around her after a moment and he hums in response.]

I'm glad you do. Truly.

[And even if he doesn't understand all of those brief feelings, that much is absolutely true. She trusts him, and he's happy she does. Someone like him probably doesn't deserve trust after all he's done, but she's offered it, and he'd be a fool not to enjoy it.

...While it lasts, maybe.]

Is it silly that I hadn't realized it? That you trust me, I mean. Of course you do, given our shared living situation, but it isn't something I ever truly thought about before now.

[Amaya feels Zvei's arms wrap further around her as he talks, and she finds herself letting the noise of his heart and the storm fade so she can focus on his words. She doesn't move from her position at all, but...]

...I do not believe it is silly, Zvei. For one, I've never been good at expressing it. For two...trust is something that neither of us give easily, but...for me at least, it feels...natural, to do so. Because of who we are, as people. Driven because we need to be, yes, and with secrets of our own...

[She just kind of idly rubs one of her thumbs into his arm a bit; something meant to be soothing, at least, or a repetitive motion to get her own mind in order.]

It feels like a natural evolution. Much like our shared living situation persisting even now, by our own choice.

[...]

...Should I have made it obvious sooner?

No, no - it's the sort of thing I should have realized sooner.

[Not that he's beating himself up over it or anything. It is what it is, and what it is is a stark reminder that, as always, he is truly terrible at dealing with other people. Things that are exceptionally obvious to others are usually not to him, which means he needs to pay closer attention and work harder at recognizing these things on his own. But it certainly isn't Amaya's fault, though it is sweet of her to consider that.]

You're right; it has been a very natural progression. It's... nice, to have it laid out in the open.

[He... thinks. It's still weirdly complicated for something that should be so simple. But Amaya trusts him, and he trusts her, and that's worth something, isn't it?]

...I am glad you think so. Though I endeavor to be honest within my means, it is with you that it truly does feel the most natural.

[...He really is so comfortable, if she's being honest, and she continues that motion, not seeking anything other than this comfortable moment. There's a vast emptiness that has filled her, but considering the warmth and relaxedness she feels toward it, it doesn't feel oppressive. It's a gentle sort of emptiness for once, and...]

I think I like it. This emptiness I feel. The trust between us.

I...think I am glad, that you enjoy knowing that. At knowing...you.

[That gets a soft laugh out of him and he squeezes Amaya's waist a bit. Not enough to hurt, just enough to be felt.]

"Natural" is not a word I'd usually think to apply to either of us, but that's exactly what this has become. It's nice. Comfortable, in a way I'm not entirely used to.

I'm glad that it's something you like.

...I've never been good at telling if I like something, but with this, I can tell almost immediately. I wonder what would happen if I could feel, if she was finally removed...

[...It's a nice thought, but Amaya elects to simply keep her position against him, sinking further into that warmth.]

How strange it is, that you make me so curious to what it would be like.

Perhaps the power should go out more often, then. So we may share these moments.

[Another laugh, this one louder and longer.]

Miss Amaya, if you like it that much then you simply need to ask! You don't have to wait for the power to go out.

[Mm, how does he put this...]

It's good for you to want something, and I'm pleased to see it. So if I can give you what you want, then why wouldn't I?

[Selfishness is innate to him - it always has been, and it always will be. But seeing someone like her, someone who has very few desires of her own, actually be selfish... it's great, he loves it. Embrace your wants!!]

Zvei--!

[Uuuuugh, Amaya buries her face in Zvei's chest briefly as she feels heat rise to her face at being called out like this--

But that has always been a problem with her, hasn't it? She never pursues what she wants. Her wants are always better suited to help the collective. Even dead and gone, her father's teachings live in her head, and...

It's making her feel something complicated again.]

...Even when I know not what I want most days, when my wants have always been sidelined in favor of the collective? I...wanting things is still deeply confusing to me. I...

[...Amaya sets her head back on his chest, ear down to listen to that heartbeat again as it calms her.]

...Thank you, sincerely. If you keep saying things like that, though...

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