sranks | a necromancer and a priestess walk into a confessional

[She doesn't want to. She doesn't want to let him in anymore than she already has. If he leaves, she'd--

It'd hurt so much worse, because he's only here because he wants to be. Amaya's never been wanted, before, in any capacity. Satsuki had wanted to bring her joy, of course, but she liked what Amaya could be rather than what she was. Amaya hadn't minded it at the time, because Satsuki had wanted better for Amaya. Or at least, Amaya assumed that she did.

Aneirin only keeps Amaya around because he gets something out of her, in allowing her little selfish things like that. In allowing her closeness, he has the easiest access to her misery and pain that she feels from feeling every single negative thing so sharply and clearly that it stinks. He's always there with a hand in her hair, with arms around her if needed and if she's comfortable with it, and he'd always let her cry or stay close.

If Amaya traces those feelings, then it's clear; she sees Zvei like she sees the two of them. As people she wants to be close to and comfortable with. But it's not fair, it's not fair to him, because all she's doing is forcing what she wants and--

Amaya takes a breath, but she finds herself shaking her head. She's silent for a moment like she isn't going to clarify, but slowly, she forces herself to.]

...Being this close to you reminds me of the ways that...Satsuki, and Aneirin would treat me. Satsuki liked to bring me close, whenever she could sneak me away from the others; into her arms, and I remember feeling this...warmth I could not identify. She said that it looked nice on me, to see that. I remember liking it quite a bit. I'm still not sure if I was more devastated to lose her, rather than the feelings she let me experience.

Aneirin...he would bring me this close whenever he fed off of me, or whenever I had a nightmare. He would take me into his arms with ease and bring me in close, letting me lie against him while he drained those negative, complicated feelings from me. It only brought emptiness, but it was preferable, to letting those feelings fester.

[She tries to sound it out, slow but sure, but it still isn't...]

Being...this close, it...made me want that, I think. To be close to someone, even here. I already feel an emptiness that I cannot identify at this much. I do not let anyone this close, and even when we sleep together, I try to keep some sort of distance, you know.

What I...think I do not like about this, is the idea that I could force my own feelings upon you. I've...had it done so much to me throughout my life--the idea that I've been doing that to you, here and now, it...feels like that is what this tension is, more than anything. That I am merely being selfish and forceful, without considering your own feelings on the matter.

[...]

...Even if you do not mind this now, that--those feelings, is only as this currently is. Is that not right? Or...am I misunderstanding?

Because all I want to do is sink into you, I think. And I do not want to make you uncomfortable.

[Zvei listens, and it really only starts to sink in as she finishes why exactly this is such a big deal to her. To him, this is nothing. Zvei has always been fiercely independent, and he will only ever do what he wants to do - nothing more, nothing less. No one can make him do anything, he chooses to act as he pleases. So the worry that she's inflicting her feelings on him and trying to force him to act in a certain way that suits her is laughable - because all of this has been second nature to him. He does it because he wants to. Nothing more, nothing less.]

I understand your worries, but you can set them aside. You aren't forcing me to do anything; I likely wouldn't let you even if you were to try, I'm rather contrary like that. Everything I do is because I want to do it.

[He moves then, to properly wrap an arm around her waist and pull her close.]

If you want the proximity, you simply have to ask. I may not want such a thing with most people, but under these circumstances, it'd be far smarter to share warmth than to risk frostbite. And besides, it's you, miss Amaya. I never mind it with you.

[And to him, it really is just that simple.]

[...It was really just that simple, the entire time?

Amaya pauses outright as she watches Zvei speak, and even in the dark, she can tell he's...well, he doesn't really lie to her, but he means what he's saying to her. She can't help but feel a little silly, in hindsight; the idea that he would be okay with such a thing had just been so foreign to her that it made her this tense and irrational. She's used to putting her wants to the wayside for the collective good; every bit of selfishness in her was better suited to go and take the path of least resistance, because she couldn't even feel any joy in it.

But then she feels his arm wrap around her waist and oh. She's used to pretty words, but...actions have always spoken louder than them, and Amaya feels herself flush as he encourages her closer. It takes a couple of seconds to let the tension out of her body, but...

Amaya gently allows her arms to relax as she lets herself sink into him, tension leaving her in small waves as she settles against him. The position she chooses in the end allows her to lay her head against his chest, one of her ears resting over his heart if he's willing to allow it while one ear seems to listen to the howling storm out there. It billows and blows, whistling practically as Amaya simply allows herself to listen for once.

And besides, it's you, miss Amaya. I never mind it with you.

What a strange, foreign thing to hear and...perhaps even actually believe, for once.]

...You are kinder to me than I deserve. I know you are deeply contrary at your heart, but...well. Perhaps I simply got myself into my own head again; do allow me to apologize for that. It may certainly happen again.

[...]

Thank you. You're...very warm; I think that if I were to put a word to what I cannot feel, it would be...nice.

As though I'm bothered by it? Nonsense. You know I'm just as likely to end up in a similar position.

[She finally lets herself relax and settle against him, and Zvei hums a bit in response, arms moving to wind around her. Were it anyone else, maybe he'd be wriggling for freedom already, but it's Amaya. Things are different with Amaya. Besides, he did mean what he said about the cold... and this is nice anyway.]

Just "nice"? I think I deserve at least a "comfortable"! [teehee] But I suppose I'll accept it for now~

[Amaya groans, halfheartedly giving him a shove in response to that. Shut uuuuup--]

Oh hush, you. You know that I am bad at this. [...] It...is comfortable, though. Listening to all of these sounds. Of you, and the world around us. The rest of the world feels far away like this.

[...Honestly, given how relaxed Amaya is right now, it's not entirely wrong. She's never let herself be this at ease--really, she almost feels like jello. In her lane and flourishing. His arms around her make her nestle further into him, eyes not closing but watching what little she can see from the windows as she lays a hand on top of one of his arms, the other settling at one of his sides.]

...It's nice. Having someone this close, that I trust.

[...Oh.

It's such a silly thing to get hung up over, considering that logically, he knows she trusts him. Why else would she agree to share an apartment, a bed, with him? Amaya trusts him. That's simply a fact.

But hearing it said aloud somehow sheds a new light on it, and for a brief moment his feelings do something. He's not sure what the hell it is, given that it's a quick flurry of conflicting and baffling, near-overwhelming things converging into an absolute mess that very quickly fades out as the of course she trusts me, given our situation kicks in.

He's left feeling a little hollow. Would a normal person keep these feelings for longer? Would they understand the feelings and why they're so conflicted? Would they have a better way to address all this?

His arms tighten around her after a moment and he hums in response.]

I'm glad you do. Truly.

[And even if he doesn't understand all of those brief feelings, that much is absolutely true. She trusts him, and he's happy she does. Someone like him probably doesn't deserve trust after all he's done, but she's offered it, and he'd be a fool not to enjoy it.

...While it lasts, maybe.]

Is it silly that I hadn't realized it? That you trust me, I mean. Of course you do, given our shared living situation, but it isn't something I ever truly thought about before now.

[Amaya feels Zvei's arms wrap further around her as he talks, and she finds herself letting the noise of his heart and the storm fade so she can focus on his words. She doesn't move from her position at all, but...]

...I do not believe it is silly, Zvei. For one, I've never been good at expressing it. For two...trust is something that neither of us give easily, but...for me at least, it feels...natural, to do so. Because of who we are, as people. Driven because we need to be, yes, and with secrets of our own...

[She just kind of idly rubs one of her thumbs into his arm a bit; something meant to be soothing, at least, or a repetitive motion to get her own mind in order.]

It feels like a natural evolution. Much like our shared living situation persisting even now, by our own choice.

[...]

...Should I have made it obvious sooner?

No, no - it's the sort of thing I should have realized sooner.

[Not that he's beating himself up over it or anything. It is what it is, and what it is is a stark reminder that, as always, he is truly terrible at dealing with other people. Things that are exceptionally obvious to others are usually not to him, which means he needs to pay closer attention and work harder at recognizing these things on his own. But it certainly isn't Amaya's fault, though it is sweet of her to consider that.]

You're right; it has been a very natural progression. It's... nice, to have it laid out in the open.

[He... thinks. It's still weirdly complicated for something that should be so simple. But Amaya trusts him, and he trusts her, and that's worth something, isn't it?]

...I am glad you think so. Though I endeavor to be honest within my means, it is with you that it truly does feel the most natural.

[...He really is so comfortable, if she's being honest, and she continues that motion, not seeking anything other than this comfortable moment. There's a vast emptiness that has filled her, but considering the warmth and relaxedness she feels toward it, it doesn't feel oppressive. It's a gentle sort of emptiness for once, and...]

I think I like it. This emptiness I feel. The trust between us.

I...think I am glad, that you enjoy knowing that. At knowing...you.

[That gets a soft laugh out of him and he squeezes Amaya's waist a bit. Not enough to hurt, just enough to be felt.]

"Natural" is not a word I'd usually think to apply to either of us, but that's exactly what this has become. It's nice. Comfortable, in a way I'm not entirely used to.

I'm glad that it's something you like.

...I've never been good at telling if I like something, but with this, I can tell almost immediately. I wonder what would happen if I could feel, if she was finally removed...

[...It's a nice thought, but Amaya elects to simply keep her position against him, sinking further into that warmth.]

How strange it is, that you make me so curious to what it would be like.

Perhaps the power should go out more often, then. So we may share these moments.

[Another laugh, this one louder and longer.]

Miss Amaya, if you like it that much then you simply need to ask! You don't have to wait for the power to go out.

[Mm, how does he put this...]

It's good for you to want something, and I'm pleased to see it. So if I can give you what you want, then why wouldn't I?

[Selfishness is innate to him - it always has been, and it always will be. But seeing someone like her, someone who has very few desires of her own, actually be selfish... it's great, he loves it. Embrace your wants!!]

Zvei--!

[Uuuuugh, Amaya buries her face in Zvei's chest briefly as she feels heat rise to her face at being called out like this--

But that has always been a problem with her, hasn't it? She never pursues what she wants. Her wants are always better suited to help the collective. Even dead and gone, her father's teachings live in her head, and...

It's making her feel something complicated again.]

...Even when I know not what I want most days, when my wants have always been sidelined in favor of the collective? I...wanting things is still deeply confusing to me. I...

[...Amaya sets her head back on his chest, ear down to listen to that heartbeat again as it calms her.]

...Thank you, sincerely. If you keep saying things like that, though...

[teehee!!]

I do enjoy it when you get riled, but I mean it! You should want things for yourself, and you should embrace them. There's nothing wrong with a little selfishness.

[Or a lot!!! Wait, no.]

But you can't leave me hanging like that! If I keep saying things like this...? What will you do?

...I've never been known to take things in moderation. That's why I have to temper myself so much, you know...

[Still, her tone isn't derisive when she responds, and...maybe it is nice, to feel a little more human like this. To want things, to embrace them. Even if she can't understand what she holds in her hands, she can still cradle it and care for it like her own.

But then he asks that and...Amaya genuinely goes quite for a long moment, as if unsure how to respond in entirety. Just willing herself to calm down, to drown out reminders from the Dragon that she can't enjoy anything she wants for herself, and that maybe she should just finally give up and give into all of the horrible feelings she has, to kill Zvei and finally--

Amaya shuts those thoughts out, gripping Zvei a little tighter for a moment before relaxing, breath catching briefly as she centers herself.]

...I don't know, and I think that's what scares me the most. You...make me dare to dream of a different life.

[Amaya falls quiet and Zvei waits patiently for her answer. No sense in rushing her; this seems like a rather complicated thing she's working through, after all. Her answer is... not quite what he expected, and he cants his head to the side as he considers.]

What sort of different life?

[One where she can feel such positive emotions? One where they're both different people, capable of feelings like everyone else? Or is this something more simplistic, yet still out of reach?]

You don't need to be afraid of it, though. What's the worst that could happen?

[...]

That the bitterness in my heart could overflow, and that I could turn my back on everything that I've tried so hard to be in service to it.

[It's quiet when she says it; it feels like she's admitting a sin to him, about how little it would actually take to get her to abandon the path she's so committed to. That...]

Without something to tether me, without anything to take care of, I could be free. I could take an untrodden road for once in my life, without anything to stop me or stand in my way. No obligations to the people, no having to think for anyone else...

...Maybe I could even see the sort of person you end up being, at the end of your road. It would be interesting to travel, and see all sorts of different places. To...follow your lead, because your own path tends to be so erratic and eclectic to follow. But it is yours, unerring.

[And maybe it says something about her, that she'd want that with him of all people, but he dares to make her dream of her independence. Her freedom, something she's never been allowed to have--]

It's a mere flight of fancy and no more. I...cannot trust what I would do with that freedom.

[Ah, a truly selfish path - one she's denied herself for so, so long. Of course she struggles with the idea of being selfish, particularly if she's harboring thoughts like these - thoughts that she frames as turning her back on all that she's tried to live up to.

Zvei thinks it sounds lovely, for her to leave all that nonsense behind and learn to walk her own path and enjoy herself. He thinks it'd be nice, to have someone to walk beside as he continues his search for his memories. But this isn't as simple as he's making it out to be in his own head, and he can understand that.]

Would it truly be all that terrible if you did give in? I personally think everyone should have that freedom. The freedom to choose your next destination, and the freedom to make mistakes along the way.

If I gave in, it would be the end of the world as we know it.

[Amaya shakes her head from against Zvei's chest, mind already going to the most catastrophic scenario possible.]

I've already made so many mistakes, Zvei. Ones that I'm going to be living with and repenting for the rest of my life. I...I cannot allow myself to think like that at all. If I make anymore mistakes on top of all of this, it...

[Amaya doesn't finish that, but she's not looking at Zvei, though she's clinging just the slightest bit to him. She can't make more mistakes, she's so utterly afraid of making them that it leads her into this recursive hell and back into the cage where she belongs.

Because the thought of freedom after all this time scares hers, though she's hoping it's not as obvious as it looks.]

Then let it be the end of the world.

[He knows it's a completely and utterly insane thing to say, but like hell if that's going to stop him. It's not like Zvei's ever been sane to begin with, anyway.]

Why should you have to punish yourself over and over again? Why should you tamp down everything you want and crave, just to please others? If it'll make a villain of you, then embrace it. You'll either get exactly what you want, or they'll stop you, and then you won't have to keep pretending.

[Though maybe... maybe that's his own incredibly skewed perception based on his own experiences he's projecting onto her own circumstances.

One hand comes up to gently tangle through the back of her hair; remarkably gentle in contrast to his intense words.]

...But then, perhaps I shouldn't speak, when I have no concept of guilt in the first place.

You've just as much of a right to speak as anyone else. If anyone told you that you couldn't, I'd ensure their own right to speak was lost for a few days at minimum.

[amaya do you even realize how terrifying that is to say--

...Still, despite herself, she does ease into the hair playing, though she does poke her head up to look at him. A little dismayed, but...]

...Even if that meant your end as well? I...you know that if she gains control in a complete manner, she won't discriminate...

[It probably says something, that she doesn't have a counter argument against the rest of that. Nor even chiding words. Zvei knows what lies underneath the exterior of a calm priestess that wants to help people; he knows just how bitter, hateful, and angry she can be at times. But...

...]

...But even so, I...do not want to end up alone, at the end of it all. [And maybe that's why she hesitates, because she knows this will alienate her.] I don't even know what I actually want, deep down. Wanting is still something so utterly foreign to me. Most people want things, goals, dreams for themselves, and I...have none.

...I wish I could be more like you; so decisive, so able to see a clear line toward your goals and seize it.

[The first part gets a soft laugh; Amaya certainly can be terrifying, and he does enjoy that about her. The question that follows earns a nod.]

I know, and if it happens and I'm unable to defend myself, then so be it. If that's what you want, then you should seize it.

[But ultimately that's what it comes down to - that Amaya doesn't know what she wants. Zvei hums in thought as he continues running his hand through the back of her hair.]

It comes with its own downsides. I've destroyed every bit of good will I had back home in pursuit of my goals, and have nothing to show for it at the moment.

[He doesn't regret it, though. How could he, when he almost had the answers he was searching for? He just needs a little more time.]

But it's okay not to have a set goal and pursue it tirelessly like I do. Simply start smaller - find the little things you enjoy and want to pursue, and perhaps over time you'll find your wants growing as well.

And I'll be here to help you, of course.

...You shouldn't be so quick to throw your own life away, when there's so much out there to experience. You've only experienced seven years of life, and even if I am the last person to say such things...you deserve to have the opportunity to experience the good that it can offer, too.

[It isn't entirely chiding when she says it; she knows that's just how Zvei is as a person. He finds her interesting, and he's always been prepared to accept the consequences for that. But it's not like Amaya wants him gone. No, she...]

...And if I don't want to leave your side? If I want to walk the path you tread, uneven and uncertain steps be damned--would you allow it? For me to see what lies at the end of the road with you, to see the sort of person you become at the end of it?

[Amaya finally looks at Zvei, then, even in the dark her sort of blank yet intense stare looking up at him.]

It's a risk I've always been willing to take, but that doesn't mean that's what I want. I'd greatly prefer to stick around for quite some time.

[At the very least until he has his memories back. It's hard to imagine anything after that, after all.

Amaya's words get him to pause for a moment, though, hand stilling against her hair.]

...I don't know where my road will take me. I don't know how different I'll be at the end of it. I can't even begin to guess what it'll be like, nor have I stopped and given it much thought.

[...]

But I'd... like that, I think. For you to come along with me.

[The hesitation and uncertainty isn't about Amaya. Of course he'd be happy to have Amaya along for the ride. The problem is more... well, who knows what awaits him at the end? Who knows what he was like before he was "Zvei", and who knows if Amaya will still like that person in the end? Some part of him doesn't want that to happen to her - but as always, his selfishness wins out. He can't simply let go of this, no matter who it might hurt in the process.

(It's far too late to stop now, anyway.)]

I certainly can't stop you from coming along, if that's what you want to do. It... might be nice to have some company.

[Zvei's hand stills against her hair and she's tempted to ask if she said something wrong. Maybe that's just her nature deep down; so unwilling to say anything or do anything that could rock the boat and always being too observant of others, but...

Amaya rests her head on Zvei's chest again, not quite staring him down anymore. But her arms do settle around him, not trapping him but letting him know she's there.]

...It matters not to me, you know. Where that path leads. So long as I am with you, I will stick it out. That much is simply that.

I...simply have no desire to be alone. Though I cannot find company nice in any way, to have someone to travel alongside who...at least makes an attempt, to understand. That is worth so very much. This much, I know with certainty.

So...please do not worry, overmuch. You'll find me quite stubborn.

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