sranks | a necromancer and a priestess walk into a confessional

...I've never been known to take things in moderation. That's why I have to temper myself so much, you know...

[Still, her tone isn't derisive when she responds, and...maybe it is nice, to feel a little more human like this. To want things, to embrace them. Even if she can't understand what she holds in her hands, she can still cradle it and care for it like her own.

But then he asks that and...Amaya genuinely goes quite for a long moment, as if unsure how to respond in entirety. Just willing herself to calm down, to drown out reminders from the Dragon that she can't enjoy anything she wants for herself, and that maybe she should just finally give up and give into all of the horrible feelings she has, to kill Zvei and finally--

Amaya shuts those thoughts out, gripping Zvei a little tighter for a moment before relaxing, breath catching briefly as she centers herself.]

...I don't know, and I think that's what scares me the most. You...make me dare to dream of a different life.

[Amaya falls quiet and Zvei waits patiently for her answer. No sense in rushing her; this seems like a rather complicated thing she's working through, after all. Her answer is... not quite what he expected, and he cants his head to the side as he considers.]

What sort of different life?

[One where she can feel such positive emotions? One where they're both different people, capable of feelings like everyone else? Or is this something more simplistic, yet still out of reach?]

You don't need to be afraid of it, though. What's the worst that could happen?

[...]

That the bitterness in my heart could overflow, and that I could turn my back on everything that I've tried so hard to be in service to it.

[It's quiet when she says it; it feels like she's admitting a sin to him, about how little it would actually take to get her to abandon the path she's so committed to. That...]

Without something to tether me, without anything to take care of, I could be free. I could take an untrodden road for once in my life, without anything to stop me or stand in my way. No obligations to the people, no having to think for anyone else...

...Maybe I could even see the sort of person you end up being, at the end of your road. It would be interesting to travel, and see all sorts of different places. To...follow your lead, because your own path tends to be so erratic and eclectic to follow. But it is yours, unerring.

[And maybe it says something about her, that she'd want that with him of all people, but he dares to make her dream of her independence. Her freedom, something she's never been allowed to have--]

It's a mere flight of fancy and no more. I...cannot trust what I would do with that freedom.

[Ah, a truly selfish path - one she's denied herself for so, so long. Of course she struggles with the idea of being selfish, particularly if she's harboring thoughts like these - thoughts that she frames as turning her back on all that she's tried to live up to.

Zvei thinks it sounds lovely, for her to leave all that nonsense behind and learn to walk her own path and enjoy herself. He thinks it'd be nice, to have someone to walk beside as he continues his search for his memories. But this isn't as simple as he's making it out to be in his own head, and he can understand that.]

Would it truly be all that terrible if you did give in? I personally think everyone should have that freedom. The freedom to choose your next destination, and the freedom to make mistakes along the way.

If I gave in, it would be the end of the world as we know it.

[Amaya shakes her head from against Zvei's chest, mind already going to the most catastrophic scenario possible.]

I've already made so many mistakes, Zvei. Ones that I'm going to be living with and repenting for the rest of my life. I...I cannot allow myself to think like that at all. If I make anymore mistakes on top of all of this, it...

[Amaya doesn't finish that, but she's not looking at Zvei, though she's clinging just the slightest bit to him. She can't make more mistakes, she's so utterly afraid of making them that it leads her into this recursive hell and back into the cage where she belongs.

Because the thought of freedom after all this time scares hers, though she's hoping it's not as obvious as it looks.]

Then let it be the end of the world.

[He knows it's a completely and utterly insane thing to say, but like hell if that's going to stop him. It's not like Zvei's ever been sane to begin with, anyway.]

Why should you have to punish yourself over and over again? Why should you tamp down everything you want and crave, just to please others? If it'll make a villain of you, then embrace it. You'll either get exactly what you want, or they'll stop you, and then you won't have to keep pretending.

[Though maybe... maybe that's his own incredibly skewed perception based on his own experiences he's projecting onto her own circumstances.

One hand comes up to gently tangle through the back of her hair; remarkably gentle in contrast to his intense words.]

...But then, perhaps I shouldn't speak, when I have no concept of guilt in the first place.

You've just as much of a right to speak as anyone else. If anyone told you that you couldn't, I'd ensure their own right to speak was lost for a few days at minimum.

[amaya do you even realize how terrifying that is to say--

...Still, despite herself, she does ease into the hair playing, though she does poke her head up to look at him. A little dismayed, but...]

...Even if that meant your end as well? I...you know that if she gains control in a complete manner, she won't discriminate...

[It probably says something, that she doesn't have a counter argument against the rest of that. Nor even chiding words. Zvei knows what lies underneath the exterior of a calm priestess that wants to help people; he knows just how bitter, hateful, and angry she can be at times. But...

...]

...But even so, I...do not want to end up alone, at the end of it all. [And maybe that's why she hesitates, because she knows this will alienate her.] I don't even know what I actually want, deep down. Wanting is still something so utterly foreign to me. Most people want things, goals, dreams for themselves, and I...have none.

...I wish I could be more like you; so decisive, so able to see a clear line toward your goals and seize it.

[The first part gets a soft laugh; Amaya certainly can be terrifying, and he does enjoy that about her. The question that follows earns a nod.]

I know, and if it happens and I'm unable to defend myself, then so be it. If that's what you want, then you should seize it.

[But ultimately that's what it comes down to - that Amaya doesn't know what she wants. Zvei hums in thought as he continues running his hand through the back of her hair.]

It comes with its own downsides. I've destroyed every bit of good will I had back home in pursuit of my goals, and have nothing to show for it at the moment.

[He doesn't regret it, though. How could he, when he almost had the answers he was searching for? He just needs a little more time.]

But it's okay not to have a set goal and pursue it tirelessly like I do. Simply start smaller - find the little things you enjoy and want to pursue, and perhaps over time you'll find your wants growing as well.

And I'll be here to help you, of course.

...You shouldn't be so quick to throw your own life away, when there's so much out there to experience. You've only experienced seven years of life, and even if I am the last person to say such things...you deserve to have the opportunity to experience the good that it can offer, too.

[It isn't entirely chiding when she says it; she knows that's just how Zvei is as a person. He finds her interesting, and he's always been prepared to accept the consequences for that. But it's not like Amaya wants him gone. No, she...]

...And if I don't want to leave your side? If I want to walk the path you tread, uneven and uncertain steps be damned--would you allow it? For me to see what lies at the end of the road with you, to see the sort of person you become at the end of it?

[Amaya finally looks at Zvei, then, even in the dark her sort of blank yet intense stare looking up at him.]

It's a risk I've always been willing to take, but that doesn't mean that's what I want. I'd greatly prefer to stick around for quite some time.

[At the very least until he has his memories back. It's hard to imagine anything after that, after all.

Amaya's words get him to pause for a moment, though, hand stilling against her hair.]

...I don't know where my road will take me. I don't know how different I'll be at the end of it. I can't even begin to guess what it'll be like, nor have I stopped and given it much thought.

[...]

But I'd... like that, I think. For you to come along with me.

[The hesitation and uncertainty isn't about Amaya. Of course he'd be happy to have Amaya along for the ride. The problem is more... well, who knows what awaits him at the end? Who knows what he was like before he was "Zvei", and who knows if Amaya will still like that person in the end? Some part of him doesn't want that to happen to her - but as always, his selfishness wins out. He can't simply let go of this, no matter who it might hurt in the process.

(It's far too late to stop now, anyway.)]

I certainly can't stop you from coming along, if that's what you want to do. It... might be nice to have some company.

[Zvei's hand stills against her hair and she's tempted to ask if she said something wrong. Maybe that's just her nature deep down; so unwilling to say anything or do anything that could rock the boat and always being too observant of others, but...

Amaya rests her head on Zvei's chest again, not quite staring him down anymore. But her arms do settle around him, not trapping him but letting him know she's there.]

...It matters not to me, you know. Where that path leads. So long as I am with you, I will stick it out. That much is simply that.

I...simply have no desire to be alone. Though I cannot find company nice in any way, to have someone to travel alongside who...at least makes an attempt, to understand. That is worth so very much. This much, I know with certainty.

So...please do not worry, overmuch. You'll find me quite stubborn.

[Something about all of this - her words, the embrace, the proximity - gets his chest to seize up for a moment. Almost like something is gripping his lungs so tight he can barely breathe, but she certainly isn't strangling him so. His feelings are doing something weird too, and he doesn't know how to articulate it or even categorize it; it's like nothing he's ever felt before. Intense, overwhelming - but fleeting, as it always is. Even as he's struggling to find words to respond and breathe, the feelings begin to recede, and with it, the tightness in his chest. What was that?]

...Then you won't be alone.

[That's what he decides on at first, and after another momentary pause to figure out how he wants to word it, Zvei continues. The words pick up in speed as he goes, like he needs to get them all out as fast as possible, so she understands how serious he is about this.]

I'll always do that much for you, I swear. I may not be particularly good at it, but I do want to understand. I want to be here for you, for as long as you'll have me.

And at the end of this road, wherever it may lead... I hope it'll be satisfactory for both of us.

[Such a thought would have been laughable back in Aelios. The only thing that mattered was regaining his memories. It didn't matter what it'd be like afterwards, and he certainly never cared about how it'd impact anyone else. But here and now, he wants Amaya to be as happy as she can be with the end result as well. In some ways, maybe he cares more about that than his own feelings on it - because at least he'll know. That will be more than enough for him, regardless of what that means.

(...Right?)]

[Zvei says it so easily, and yet...it's strange, how punched in the chest she feels by those words. Those words he seems so desperate to say, to tell her, and for a brief moment it almost sounds like devotion, and--

--Her grip tightens just a bit on Zvei, a small breath pushing it's way out of her as one of her hands goes to her head. Of course the Dragon would take issue with this--she's basically messing with Amaya's head more explicitly and directly, just give Amaya a moment...]

You...do a plenty good job at that as it stands, believe me. I could not dare to ask for anything more from you that you are not already giving me.

[...]

Thank you. Truly, I...

[Amaya winces a bit, curling up a little more into Zvei in the process of trying to get her head not to ache as bad. Thank the god the lights aren't actually on...]

I could not ask for someone better, to spend as much time with as he is willing to allot me. [She groans just a touch.] ...My apologies. It would seem the Dragon has decided to take umbrage with such a thing.

[Ah, the Dragon... It would seem that they've upset her, finally. It isn't as though Zvei forgot about her presence, it's just that sometimes he gets so wrapped up in Amaya that he neglects to think about how her passenger is going to take this. He moves to play with the back of her hair again, gentle as always.]

Then let's not risk any further headaches. We can sit in silence for awhile, if that will help.

[You know how serious it is when Zvei is offering to be silent.]

...It might. I usually prefer you to talk, but...

[Amaya is just going to let herself relax a bit as she winces, letting her head just rest against him as she rubs against the side of her head with her free hand, her grip going gentle on Zvei but very firm.

...It really is nice that he's willing to do this for her, even if she feels bad about it. He doesn't like silence, at least from what she knows; getting him going and getting him to talk is one of the few ways she can combat the emptiness in herself, or at least keep the Dragon at bay with feelings that are her own. Aneirin could usually drain her of the energy that makes the Dragon able to get so uppity in the first place.]

...Thank you.

[Amaya's free hand moves, and if Zvei doesn't mind...she's just going to take it. Gently, always gently like she's afraid he's going to leave, but...she needs this for the moment.]

[Her words get a soft hum of acknowledgement from him, but Zvei falls silent afterwards. Five years from now and back in Aelios, this sort of thing would drive him crazy. That version of Zvei actively hates silence. This one dislikes it, but as always, he's willing to be a bit more flexible for Amaya. If silence will help, then he'll be silent.

She thanks him, which earns another soft hum, and moves to take his hand. He accepts it like it's the easiest thing in the world - like her hesitation isn't something he's noticed. She's often so careful, as if afraid he'll reject her or her actions, when in reality, he can't think of a single thing she could do that would get him to reject her at all. She's always mindful of his limits and dislikes, but she hasn't seemed to realize that those simply don't apply as hard to her. He dislikes being touched - by anyone else. He dislikes proximity - with anyone else. He dislikes silence - with anyone else.

Ah, but he can't voice such thoughts right now, so instead he squeezes her hand, as if to silently say it's okay, this is fine. His free hand moves back into her hair again, playing with the back of it gently. He likes this; he wonders if she's aware of that, or if she thinks he's merely humoring her.]

[It's something Amaya should realize, really. That Zvei has made all of these exceptions for her, and that he doesn't do this out of obligation. That'd imply he did anything out of obligation that wasn't strictly necessary to survive. She should know this by now, and maybe she should have some sort of reaction that isn't waiting for the other shoe to drop, metaphorically.

Amaya's breath catches for a moment when his hand goes back into her hair, and the Dragon keeps making a ruckus of her mind. Reminding her of every reason she can't merely accept this as it is; she was not made to want. She was not made to need. She was not made for soft gestures of kindness that she can't understand. Even back when Satsuki did something like this for her, taking her into those spindly yet warm arms of hers and letting Amaya bask in her warmth in such a similar manner, it had been something Amaya had only really accepted toward the end of their little week together, only a day before she...

Amaya seizes for a moment, forcing herself to relax as the dragon assaults her with the thought of that day. She should let him go. It's only a matter of time before she's standing over him while he's bloodstained, probably laughing and saying something inane like it's the most beautiful she's ever been while she simultaneously wants to tear his throat out and cry her heart out. She shuts her eyes, grip on his hand tightening.

It takes quite the long while for Amaya to come back into herself, her grip going between slightly crushing and firm but tense over and over again. She doesn't speak for a single moment, and she isn't sure if Zvei is going to want to check in with her. She doesn't want to talk, to think, to do anything, but if she lets control slip, she'll hurt him, and she...doesn't want to do that.

Amaya Sasaki may be a blighted, cursed, terrible woman who deserves the stones and horrible words thrown at her by the other nations, but just this one, she wants to keep someone safe. To keep them close by her side, and safe all the same.

It takes about a half an hour before Amaya's shaking and tenseness finally eases, the Dragon finally having enough and letting her head go back to normal...Amaya doesn't immediately speak up, either way. But...]

...I think...she's finally through...

[Amaya freezes up and Zvei pauses, waiting for her reaction. Her grip on his hand tightens, and he's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. It frustrates him even on the best of days how difficult it can be to try to read others - this is something that most people seem to have an innate grasp of, and yet he simply doesn't understand without it being spelled out in tiny words for him. He can't even ask Amaya now what the problem is or how to help solve it - and she's one of the few people who accepts his lack of knowledge and understanding without complaint. Were this anyone else, they'd likely be disappointed that he isn't picking up on cues that most others would somehow innately understand.

It's almost akin to a puzzle - for most people, they have the missing pieces and can determine where they go with little issue. For Zvei, he's missing at least one key piece and can't complete the full picture. It's always been like this, for as long as he can remember. Does his past hold answers for why he's like this? Answers for how to do better, be better about this sort of thing? He needs to find out. He may not ultimately care much about most others, but for someone like Amaya, it frustrates him that he doesn't know how to help without asking, and that he can't properly solve the puzzle she's laid out clearly for him.

Eventually she begins to relax, though her grip on his hand is nearly painful. He says nothing about it and simply accepts it, because she's clearly fighting things through with the Dragon and he has no place in that internal struggle. So he waits, hand still against her hair, though he doesn't pull back any either.

Slowly, slowly, she wins her battle and the tenseness and shaking finally cease. Almost immediately he's playing with her hair again, a silent congratulations, maybe.]

How are you feeling after all that?

...Drained, truthfully. My head aches a little still, but at least she's stopped making a ruckus...

[Amaya eases into the hair playing easily, though, the emptiness that enters her far preferable to everything else right now as she moves to lace her fingers with his. A silent thanks, more than anything.]

Terribly sorry about that. But...thank you; having you here truly did help, I confess.

[...]

Did I hurt you?

I'm pleased I could help.

[It didn't exactly feel like enough at the time, but she has no reason to lie to him. If Amaya says he helped, then he helped. It really is that simple.

The question gets a soft chuckle from him, and Zvei sends a flicker of healing magic over both their hands.]

No, you didn't. But even if you had, you know I can heal it, and that I wouldn't hold it against you.

[...]

Though I also know that such a thing wouldn't matter and you'd still blame yourself...

[The healing magic sends a warm sensation through Amaya, easing some of that leftover pain in her head and at least giving her a bit of energy. She's more than thankful for that; she's always appreciated Zvei simply staying by, because in her eyes, that's more than enough when she offers him literally nothing--

But it's that last sentence that startles her a bit, and well...he's not wrong, but damn, dude--]

Of course I would. It's my job to maintain self control at all times; you know that well by now.

[The callout hurts a bit, but he isn't wrong, though she keeps her grip on his hand.]

...Thank you. For your patience, and your willingness to let me be a mess around you. While I know not if I can offer anything in return, I...appreciate this. All of it, immensely.

Your presence truly does have a way of granting me peace, however brief.

You sell yourself short, miss Amaya. You don't have to offer me anything in return - your presence is more than enough, I assure you.

[She likely doesn't think it's enough, but it is. It always has been. Zvei hums a bit as he plays with her hair.]

I'm pleased, truly. Knowing that I can help in some way means quite a bit to me, you know! I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with her.

[But Amaya isn't alone anymore, and that does have to count for something, right?]

[A statement like that flies in the face of everything she knows. The idea that what he offers is unconditional, that she doesn't have to offer anything in return...it hits her oddly, admittedly. She's always believed she has to provide some kind of value to someone. That's just the way she was raised; always to provide to the people, to give everything of herself to them, and if she has nothing to offer--]

...It's as if there's someone, constantly, within your mind that you cannot shut up for the life of you that spells all of your biggest insecurities out. Who can control your very nerves, your thoughts, and even consume you near entirely to make your body act like a marionette.

Believe me; you would hate it beyond compare.

[...]

...I do apologize that it is such a struggle, to accept that I do not need to provide some sort of value to you, in order for you to stay. It is...something I am not accustom to; that unconditionalness is truly something so foreign, but I...

I would not want this any other way, with you.

[What Amaya describes is indeed something he would hate. Zvei doesn't hate much, but anyone or anything getting in the way of his freedom always irritates him. He's been blessed to have such freedom within his line of work, after all. Someone controlling him like a puppet on a string sounds truly awful.]

You don't need to apologize. But perhaps it would help for me to word it like this: you do provide value to me, something that most other people don't, and that's why I offer you so much in turn. You're a fascinating woman, miss Amaya. I have always liked the unknown and unexplained, and it feels as though there's always more to learn about you. No matter how much I uncover, there's always greater mysteries to see and solve - you are truly one of a kind.

Though framing it as though you're something of a curiosity feels a bit silly, doesn't it?

[It's certainly true, but that also diminishes how much she means to him. If she were only a curiosity, he wouldn't go so far out of his way for her. But she likely knows that already, doesn't she?]

...If it is, then it is nothing I mind, I assure you.

[...Just ignore that her face is in fact heating up a little, though thankfully he can't likely see that. Maybe feel it, but hm. Her face is definitely getting warm.]

I would have thought that you would have grown incredibly bored of me by now, if anything. Curiosity...you have always stated that it has been your driving force, and I would have thought that my morose nature would have driven someone as cheerful as you far away.

I...rather like that you can find new things about me. [...Can she pull him in to be a little closer, she wants to--] And I...think I truly do like what you offer to me, too.

A friendship that does not feel so...performative, forced.

a necromancer and a priestess walk into a confessional

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