sranks | a necromancer and a priestess walk into a confessional

[Zvei's hand stills against her hair and she's tempted to ask if she said something wrong. Maybe that's just her nature deep down; so unwilling to say anything or do anything that could rock the boat and always being too observant of others, but...

Amaya rests her head on Zvei's chest again, not quite staring him down anymore. But her arms do settle around him, not trapping him but letting him know she's there.]

...It matters not to me, you know. Where that path leads. So long as I am with you, I will stick it out. That much is simply that.

I...simply have no desire to be alone. Though I cannot find company nice in any way, to have someone to travel alongside who...at least makes an attempt, to understand. That is worth so very much. This much, I know with certainty.

So...please do not worry, overmuch. You'll find me quite stubborn.

[Something about all of this - her words, the embrace, the proximity - gets his chest to seize up for a moment. Almost like something is gripping his lungs so tight he can barely breathe, but she certainly isn't strangling him so. His feelings are doing something weird too, and he doesn't know how to articulate it or even categorize it; it's like nothing he's ever felt before. Intense, overwhelming - but fleeting, as it always is. Even as he's struggling to find words to respond and breathe, the feelings begin to recede, and with it, the tightness in his chest. What was that?]

...Then you won't be alone.

[That's what he decides on at first, and after another momentary pause to figure out how he wants to word it, Zvei continues. The words pick up in speed as he goes, like he needs to get them all out as fast as possible, so she understands how serious he is about this.]

I'll always do that much for you, I swear. I may not be particularly good at it, but I do want to understand. I want to be here for you, for as long as you'll have me.

And at the end of this road, wherever it may lead... I hope it'll be satisfactory for both of us.

[Such a thought would have been laughable back in Aelios. The only thing that mattered was regaining his memories. It didn't matter what it'd be like afterwards, and he certainly never cared about how it'd impact anyone else. But here and now, he wants Amaya to be as happy as she can be with the end result as well. In some ways, maybe he cares more about that than his own feelings on it - because at least he'll know. That will be more than enough for him, regardless of what that means.

(...Right?)]

[Zvei says it so easily, and yet...it's strange, how punched in the chest she feels by those words. Those words he seems so desperate to say, to tell her, and for a brief moment it almost sounds like devotion, and--

--Her grip tightens just a bit on Zvei, a small breath pushing it's way out of her as one of her hands goes to her head. Of course the Dragon would take issue with this--she's basically messing with Amaya's head more explicitly and directly, just give Amaya a moment...]

You...do a plenty good job at that as it stands, believe me. I could not dare to ask for anything more from you that you are not already giving me.

[...]

Thank you. Truly, I...

[Amaya winces a bit, curling up a little more into Zvei in the process of trying to get her head not to ache as bad. Thank the god the lights aren't actually on...]

I could not ask for someone better, to spend as much time with as he is willing to allot me. [She groans just a touch.] ...My apologies. It would seem the Dragon has decided to take umbrage with such a thing.

[Ah, the Dragon... It would seem that they've upset her, finally. It isn't as though Zvei forgot about her presence, it's just that sometimes he gets so wrapped up in Amaya that he neglects to think about how her passenger is going to take this. He moves to play with the back of her hair again, gentle as always.]

Then let's not risk any further headaches. We can sit in silence for awhile, if that will help.

[You know how serious it is when Zvei is offering to be silent.]

...It might. I usually prefer you to talk, but...

[Amaya is just going to let herself relax a bit as she winces, letting her head just rest against him as she rubs against the side of her head with her free hand, her grip going gentle on Zvei but very firm.

...It really is nice that he's willing to do this for her, even if she feels bad about it. He doesn't like silence, at least from what she knows; getting him going and getting him to talk is one of the few ways she can combat the emptiness in herself, or at least keep the Dragon at bay with feelings that are her own. Aneirin could usually drain her of the energy that makes the Dragon able to get so uppity in the first place.]

...Thank you.

[Amaya's free hand moves, and if Zvei doesn't mind...she's just going to take it. Gently, always gently like she's afraid he's going to leave, but...she needs this for the moment.]

[Her words get a soft hum of acknowledgement from him, but Zvei falls silent afterwards. Five years from now and back in Aelios, this sort of thing would drive him crazy. That version of Zvei actively hates silence. This one dislikes it, but as always, he's willing to be a bit more flexible for Amaya. If silence will help, then he'll be silent.

She thanks him, which earns another soft hum, and moves to take his hand. He accepts it like it's the easiest thing in the world - like her hesitation isn't something he's noticed. She's often so careful, as if afraid he'll reject her or her actions, when in reality, he can't think of a single thing she could do that would get him to reject her at all. She's always mindful of his limits and dislikes, but she hasn't seemed to realize that those simply don't apply as hard to her. He dislikes being touched - by anyone else. He dislikes proximity - with anyone else. He dislikes silence - with anyone else.

Ah, but he can't voice such thoughts right now, so instead he squeezes her hand, as if to silently say it's okay, this is fine. His free hand moves back into her hair again, playing with the back of it gently. He likes this; he wonders if she's aware of that, or if she thinks he's merely humoring her.]

[It's something Amaya should realize, really. That Zvei has made all of these exceptions for her, and that he doesn't do this out of obligation. That'd imply he did anything out of obligation that wasn't strictly necessary to survive. She should know this by now, and maybe she should have some sort of reaction that isn't waiting for the other shoe to drop, metaphorically.

Amaya's breath catches for a moment when his hand goes back into her hair, and the Dragon keeps making a ruckus of her mind. Reminding her of every reason she can't merely accept this as it is; she was not made to want. She was not made to need. She was not made for soft gestures of kindness that she can't understand. Even back when Satsuki did something like this for her, taking her into those spindly yet warm arms of hers and letting Amaya bask in her warmth in such a similar manner, it had been something Amaya had only really accepted toward the end of their little week together, only a day before she...

Amaya seizes for a moment, forcing herself to relax as the dragon assaults her with the thought of that day. She should let him go. It's only a matter of time before she's standing over him while he's bloodstained, probably laughing and saying something inane like it's the most beautiful she's ever been while she simultaneously wants to tear his throat out and cry her heart out. She shuts her eyes, grip on his hand tightening.

It takes quite the long while for Amaya to come back into herself, her grip going between slightly crushing and firm but tense over and over again. She doesn't speak for a single moment, and she isn't sure if Zvei is going to want to check in with her. She doesn't want to talk, to think, to do anything, but if she lets control slip, she'll hurt him, and she...doesn't want to do that.

Amaya Sasaki may be a blighted, cursed, terrible woman who deserves the stones and horrible words thrown at her by the other nations, but just this one, she wants to keep someone safe. To keep them close by her side, and safe all the same.

It takes about a half an hour before Amaya's shaking and tenseness finally eases, the Dragon finally having enough and letting her head go back to normal...Amaya doesn't immediately speak up, either way. But...]

...I think...she's finally through...

[Amaya freezes up and Zvei pauses, waiting for her reaction. Her grip on his hand tightens, and he's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. It frustrates him even on the best of days how difficult it can be to try to read others - this is something that most people seem to have an innate grasp of, and yet he simply doesn't understand without it being spelled out in tiny words for him. He can't even ask Amaya now what the problem is or how to help solve it - and she's one of the few people who accepts his lack of knowledge and understanding without complaint. Were this anyone else, they'd likely be disappointed that he isn't picking up on cues that most others would somehow innately understand.

It's almost akin to a puzzle - for most people, they have the missing pieces and can determine where they go with little issue. For Zvei, he's missing at least one key piece and can't complete the full picture. It's always been like this, for as long as he can remember. Does his past hold answers for why he's like this? Answers for how to do better, be better about this sort of thing? He needs to find out. He may not ultimately care much about most others, but for someone like Amaya, it frustrates him that he doesn't know how to help without asking, and that he can't properly solve the puzzle she's laid out clearly for him.

Eventually she begins to relax, though her grip on his hand is nearly painful. He says nothing about it and simply accepts it, because she's clearly fighting things through with the Dragon and he has no place in that internal struggle. So he waits, hand still against her hair, though he doesn't pull back any either.

Slowly, slowly, she wins her battle and the tenseness and shaking finally cease. Almost immediately he's playing with her hair again, a silent congratulations, maybe.]

How are you feeling after all that?

...Drained, truthfully. My head aches a little still, but at least she's stopped making a ruckus...

[Amaya eases into the hair playing easily, though, the emptiness that enters her far preferable to everything else right now as she moves to lace her fingers with his. A silent thanks, more than anything.]

Terribly sorry about that. But...thank you; having you here truly did help, I confess.

[...]

Did I hurt you?

I'm pleased I could help.

[It didn't exactly feel like enough at the time, but she has no reason to lie to him. If Amaya says he helped, then he helped. It really is that simple.

The question gets a soft chuckle from him, and Zvei sends a flicker of healing magic over both their hands.]

No, you didn't. But even if you had, you know I can heal it, and that I wouldn't hold it against you.

[...]

Though I also know that such a thing wouldn't matter and you'd still blame yourself...

[The healing magic sends a warm sensation through Amaya, easing some of that leftover pain in her head and at least giving her a bit of energy. She's more than thankful for that; she's always appreciated Zvei simply staying by, because in her eyes, that's more than enough when she offers him literally nothing--

But it's that last sentence that startles her a bit, and well...he's not wrong, but damn, dude--]

Of course I would. It's my job to maintain self control at all times; you know that well by now.

[The callout hurts a bit, but he isn't wrong, though she keeps her grip on his hand.]

...Thank you. For your patience, and your willingness to let me be a mess around you. While I know not if I can offer anything in return, I...appreciate this. All of it, immensely.

Your presence truly does have a way of granting me peace, however brief.

You sell yourself short, miss Amaya. You don't have to offer me anything in return - your presence is more than enough, I assure you.

[She likely doesn't think it's enough, but it is. It always has been. Zvei hums a bit as he plays with her hair.]

I'm pleased, truly. Knowing that I can help in some way means quite a bit to me, you know! I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with her.

[But Amaya isn't alone anymore, and that does have to count for something, right?]

[A statement like that flies in the face of everything she knows. The idea that what he offers is unconditional, that she doesn't have to offer anything in return...it hits her oddly, admittedly. She's always believed she has to provide some kind of value to someone. That's just the way she was raised; always to provide to the people, to give everything of herself to them, and if she has nothing to offer--]

...It's as if there's someone, constantly, within your mind that you cannot shut up for the life of you that spells all of your biggest insecurities out. Who can control your very nerves, your thoughts, and even consume you near entirely to make your body act like a marionette.

Believe me; you would hate it beyond compare.

[...]

...I do apologize that it is such a struggle, to accept that I do not need to provide some sort of value to you, in order for you to stay. It is...something I am not accustom to; that unconditionalness is truly something so foreign, but I...

I would not want this any other way, with you.

[What Amaya describes is indeed something he would hate. Zvei doesn't hate much, but anyone or anything getting in the way of his freedom always irritates him. He's been blessed to have such freedom within his line of work, after all. Someone controlling him like a puppet on a string sounds truly awful.]

You don't need to apologize. But perhaps it would help for me to word it like this: you do provide value to me, something that most other people don't, and that's why I offer you so much in turn. You're a fascinating woman, miss Amaya. I have always liked the unknown and unexplained, and it feels as though there's always more to learn about you. No matter how much I uncover, there's always greater mysteries to see and solve - you are truly one of a kind.

Though framing it as though you're something of a curiosity feels a bit silly, doesn't it?

[It's certainly true, but that also diminishes how much she means to him. If she were only a curiosity, he wouldn't go so far out of his way for her. But she likely knows that already, doesn't she?]

...If it is, then it is nothing I mind, I assure you.

[...Just ignore that her face is in fact heating up a little, though thankfully he can't likely see that. Maybe feel it, but hm. Her face is definitely getting warm.]

I would have thought that you would have grown incredibly bored of me by now, if anything. Curiosity...you have always stated that it has been your driving force, and I would have thought that my morose nature would have driven someone as cheerful as you far away.

I...rather like that you can find new things about me. [...Can she pull him in to be a little closer, she wants to--] And I...think I truly do like what you offer to me, too.

A friendship that does not feel so...performative, forced.

[Thankfully for Amaya, he can't see it so she's safe! For now!!]

Isn't that half the fun, though? You're so drastically different from anything I've known and experienced - that's always going to be fascinating, no matter how "morose" you might be. If anything, I find it charming~

[Amaya is cute and he likes her, so!! Anyway, he allows that, settling against her easily and moving to wind his arms around her to keep her there.]

I'm pleased I can offer you that. It's... nice. Better than "nice", even.

[But finding any sort of emotional way to describe it is hard, so that'll have to do for now.]

I would think it draining, more than anything. But I...do not mind that. There are very few who would want to be around me without changing who I am, fundamentally as a person.

[...]

I...think that it is nice for me, too. The thought produces an emptiness in me that is vast, and overwhelming--I wonder what I would be feeling, if I did not have this curse upon my heart? Elation? Joy, perhaps?

I know not, at least with certainty. But I would not want to share this feeling with anyone else.

[She squeezes his hand, gentler this time. Her free hand seems to gently, if shakily climb up, and though it pauses as always...

Well. She's going to return that hairplaying, just a bit, with some of her own.]

[Zvei waits patiently for her to decide what it is she wants to do, and when her hand finds its way into his hair, he leans into it with a soft hum.]

I'm pleased that I can provide such a feeling to you, even if it isn't something that you can derive any sort of joy from. Emptiness is better than the usual, I'd assume.

[Where a positive feeling would go, were she capable of feeling it. What is it like, he wonders. At least he can feel such positive things, even if they never last for very long.]

a necromancer and a priestess walk into a confessional

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