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darkseal
[Truthfully speaking, this Ball was nothing more than a glorified dance class in Linhardt's mind. They were practically obligated to attend and partake, dancing with people and exchanging smiles and pleasantries; a ball like this was at least somewhat important to the nobility, Linhardt was sure, but as far as he was concerned? He had no business here, and the first chance he could get out, he took gladly.
He wasn't altogether sure about where to go, honestly; he could certainly just turn in for the night on his bed, or get back to his crest research, but there was another curiosity that he wanted to take a look at; the Goddess Tower. The details were a little fuzzy in Linhardt's mind, but he had heard some so-called rumors about what happened within the tower. Something interesting would happen if two people entered the tower...was it that they would be blessed by the Goddess if they shared a vow, or that they would be cursed for defiling her tower? Linhardt couldn't really recall off the top of his head, as it wasn't a topic that interested him too much, but...well, it was an interesting research opportunity and there was certainly a first time for everything.
But of course, he knew very well he wasn't exactly destined for much in the love department. As far as he was concerned, the Goddess Tower would be a once in a lifetime napping spot, and Linhardt intended to take the bait. It was surprisingly quiet, though he didn't doubt that there were people waiting to come in and try to find their 'true love', as they would likely call it. Linhardt finds his way to a nice spot within the tower, settling himself in for what's likely to be an interesting sleep, if nothing else.
Who knows, maybe he'll get to eavesdrop on some unlucky sap within the tower before he nods off, or perhaps even hear someone find the love of their life. The latter would certainly be a nice thought, for one of the others, perhaps. That would at least be interesting to hear...]
He wasn't altogether sure about where to go, honestly; he could certainly just turn in for the night on his bed, or get back to his crest research, but there was another curiosity that he wanted to take a look at; the Goddess Tower. The details were a little fuzzy in Linhardt's mind, but he had heard some so-called rumors about what happened within the tower. Something interesting would happen if two people entered the tower...was it that they would be blessed by the Goddess if they shared a vow, or that they would be cursed for defiling her tower? Linhardt couldn't really recall off the top of his head, as it wasn't a topic that interested him too much, but...well, it was an interesting research opportunity and there was certainly a first time for everything.
But of course, he knew very well he wasn't exactly destined for much in the love department. As far as he was concerned, the Goddess Tower would be a once in a lifetime napping spot, and Linhardt intended to take the bait. It was surprisingly quiet, though he didn't doubt that there were people waiting to come in and try to find their 'true love', as they would likely call it. Linhardt finds his way to a nice spot within the tower, settling himself in for what's likely to be an interesting sleep, if nothing else.
Who knows, maybe he'll get to eavesdrop on some unlucky sap within the tower before he nods off, or perhaps even hear someone find the love of their life. The latter would certainly be a nice thought, for one of the others, perhaps. That would at least be interesting to hear...]
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There's plenty to do around the monastery if they are to use it as a base, and as the days pass it seems everyone is nostalgic for the days they spent here at school. Hubert has never cared for reminiscing, but even he can't ignore how wonderful it feels to be back. Sure, the monastery has been mostly abandoned for so long and the battle was unkind to it, but that's why Byleth starts handing out weekly tasks again.
The first week was fine. Hubert and Her Majesty were on stable duty and taking care of the horses, pegasi, and wyverns was no problem. They don't particularly like Hubert, but he's learned enough to be able to handle both as needed. As long as he doesn't have to ride a wyvern, he's fine.
So when he sees his assignment the next week, he feels his heart stop.
In theory, he should be able to ride a wyvern. Byleth taught them well, and while wyverns are more unpredictable and difficult to train than horses, some of the same techniques can be used. Hubert can ride horses. He learned at a young age and his long journeys across the Empire often require him to ride. That isn't a problem.
The problem is that a wyvern is much larger than a horse and does not keep its claws on the ground where they belong.
Hubert's fear of heights is something he goes out of his way to hide. Her Majesty doesn't even know. In the year or so they were at Garreg Mach, he was never once placed on sky patrol, partially due to luck and partially due to switching jobs with the others on the rare occasion he was tasked with it. He's gotten so used to hiding his fear that it never raises questions - even at that dance Ferdinand's father held, he stayed far away from the railing that overlooked the ballroom below, and hung out near the wall where he couldn't see the drop. It's second nature by now.
And suddenly, he's faced with the reality that he really doesn't know how to get himself out of this one.
The obvious thing to do would be to switch jobs with someone else, just as he had done several times during their time in the academy. It isn't nearly as easy as it was then, however; everyone's far more busy now and everyone he can think of that would be willing to switch (and wouldn't rat him out to Byleth or Her Majesty) has their own tasks to attend to this week. There simply isn't any way he can make this happen and make it seem as though he's just too busy to be bothered with this.
Besides, Linhardt has been assigned to this task with him. If he backs out or finds someone to replace him, Linhardt will wonder if this is his fault somehow.
So somehow, Hubert convinces himself that the best thing to do is to crush his fear and do it. That leads him to where he is now, staring down the wyverns while becoming increasingly more aware of how absolutely terrifying the idea of getting on one is. Wyverns are large creatures. Even if he were successful in getting on one's back, he'd be entirely too far off the ground. He'll either become disoriented or dizzy, or worst of all, faint entirely. Wyverns are a bit too wild - even when tamed - to simply carry their rider. It's likely that without proper supervision, it'll just fly off on its own and who knows what would happen to him.
(He'd probably fall off. And that's the most terrifying thought of all.)
Whenever Linhardt heads over to the stables to get started, he'll find Hubert already there, with a stormy expression, his chin resting against his hand as he glares at a wyvern. Even now he's still desperately searching for a way to fix all of this, but... It's not looking good.]
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Oh, sure, Linhardt was more than known for swapping around tasks back in their school days--avoiding tasks was easy when people were so particular about what they liked to do, and what they were willing to do. Now, it was harder to avoid the dreaded tasks; Linhardt has never particularly liked working with the animals, but he could at least tolerate it with Marianne or someone with more experience with them. Weeding? More like babysitting Caspar when they were paired together, goddess forbid anyone else. Sky Watch...Linhardt wouldn't say he hated it, necessarily (as much as he suspected it was Byleth attempting to "help" him be more mobile in battle by giving him experience with flying), but he sure as hell didn't like it.
He'd take anything over working with Ferdinand in clearing out rubble, though, and being regaled with so much noble natter that he wanted to shove the esteemed heir of the von Aegir family in a closet and never let him out, to say nothing of the actual, physical labor involved. He's almost thankful to be on Sky Watch again than have to deal with that mess again.
Linhardt does arrive a few minutes later than intended, mostly seeming ready to get this task over with--the sooner they did their scouting, the better, as far as he was concerned, though he was definitely happy to be put on a task with Hubert finally. Of course, that mild mannered happiness comes to a pause when Linhardt sees the stormy look on Hubert's face, and he's not sure what on earth is going on.
Being the ever curious
boyfriend that he is, he walks up to Hubert with a bit of a confused expression.]Having some troubles, Hubert? [Linhardt looks between the wyvern and Hubert for a moment, as if trying to find out if the damn thing nipped him or something to make him so angry.] These creatures tend to be a rather unruly sort, so I wouldn't be surprised...
[He doesn't make to move any closer, not getting started on the task--he's definitely tilting his head a bit, though.]
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[The greeting comes a bit late, while he's still trying to work out some way to avoid being placed on this task. Currently, he's trying to figure out whether he could survive a wyvern bite to the arm just to get himself removed from the task. Sure, Linhardt would worry, but he would hear him so he probably wouldn't lose the use of his arm...]
Ah, it's...
[Nothing? But if it's nothing then they'll have to go about this, and he's still not entirely sure he wants the wyvern to take a bite out of his arm to end this. Hmm.]
How are you doing, Linhardt?
[...That is not going to help, is it. But he's certainly trying it anyway!!]
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Well, I'm doing alright. I can't say I'm looking most forward to dealing with the wyverns, but this night could be going a lot worse.
[...It's a bit blunt, but even Linhardt seems unsure for a moment before broaching the obvious question in the room.]
...And what of yourself, Hubert? You look like you would much rather be anywhere but here, I must say. You're certainly not yourself tonight.
[That's. A little better, at least. Linhardt's look is more contemplative than anything, but he's trying.]
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I... had some other tasks to attend to, and I would have preferred to be doing that.
[It's not the truth; he's actually free tonight. But the truth is something he can't admit - not to anyone, and especially not Linhardt. Just imagine what Linhardt would think if he knew the truth...]
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You aren't the only one, I assure you.
[Hmm...Linhardt's expression seems to be openly observing, if perhaps a bit scrutinizing.]
If there is something bothering you, you are free to let me know. But we should at least try to get this over with, should we not?
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Ah, right. Of course.
[He'll move to the saddles, pretending to examine them while internally screaming. There is absolutely no way he can do this, but there's no way he can tell Linhardt that something's wrong either. As much as letting a wyvern bite him is sounding more appealing, he can't really say it's a practical way to get out of this. The potential downsides are far too extreme. If he loses use of his arm... Well, it isn't a risk he can take as Her Majesty's right hand.
So in the end, the best thing to do is to just fess up.
...But how is he supposed to do that to Linhardt? He'd almost prefer to admit this to anyone else. Including Her Majesty.
He'll just be over here glaring at the saddles while he tries to work this out, surely this is fine.]
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But of course, Linhardt sees the glare in Hubert's expression, and it's finally starting to bother him a bit. What the hell is going on here?]
Hubert. You're glaring at these saddles like they've personally wronged you; it's rather concerning. [To his credit he does sound somewhat concerned, but really, who wouldn't be?] ...Do you need some advice for what to pick out?
[Let's. Let's start here.]
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No, it's fine.
[He reaches out for one, only to find his hands are shaking to the point where actually carrying the damn thing would be too much of a hassle. Is he really that scared of just trying?
...Yes, yes he absolutely is.]
I know how to ride a wyvern in theory. I've never done it before.
[It's curt and tense, and certainly not the actual problem, but it's a start? Kind of??]
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Oh, is that it? [...Linhardt makes it sound so simple, but admittedly, he does not have all of the context.] Well, I can try to give you some of the advice Marianne gave me, when I got stuck on this with her. It was quite a nerve wracking experience, the first time around...
But she stressed this to me, first and foremost; the wyvern must be comfortable around you, and you must be comfortable around them. That includes picking out a saddle that doesn't cause them any irritation--like this one. [He points out one for Hubert to take.] ...Would you like some assistance, for your maiden voyage? I can't say I'm an expert at dealing with these creatures, but...
[...bless linny's heart, he thinks hubert's scared of the wyverns themselves...]
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He finds himself going to pick up the saddle before Linhardt's even done speaking, like he can actually do this. Like he can actually put this saddle on a beast and get up there somehow and then guide the thing through the air. The thought is so utterly ridiculous it makes his head spin.
Or maybe that's just the fear. It's probably just the fear.]
No, I...
[He doesn't need assistance, he just cannot do this and there's no way to express that to Linhardt without getting to the actual problem itself. A fear of wyverns is acceptable, they're terrifying beasts. A fear of heights... It's inexcusable.
His hands are still shaking and he drops them from the saddle and takes a step back with a sharp inhale.]
I can't do this. I... I will inform the professor that I...
[How is he supposed to tell Byleth about his fear? Those bright green eyes stare straight through him, Byleth's more terrifying than he could ever hope to be. There's no way. There's simply no way he can do any of this.]
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Hubert--!
[Linhardt clearly isn't sure what to do--he's never really had to be a source of empathy before, but...
Hubert's done so much for him. Linhardt at least wants to try for him, and as much as part of Linhardt's distress is at his own confusion in regards to what to do, he is absolutely worried about Hubert.
He's going to try to put a hand on Hubert's shoulder, in at least some attempt to ground him in reality. Maybe it'll help.]
...I'm willing to back you up when you speak with the professor, if that's what you need, Hubert. I don't know what's causing you so much distress, but...
[Linhardt would love to get to the bottom of this, really, he would. But this has managed to hit him directly in his weirdly functioning feelings, and he wants Hubert to feel safe.
...No, more than anything, he wants Hubert to trust him.]
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It isn't... I don't wish to trouble you with this, that is all.
[That's not it at all. He knows that's not it, and yet he can't bring himself to explain further. Does he really believe Linhardt will look on it so poorly?
...No, he doesn't. Linhardt is not the sort to find a fear like that something to be abhorrent. Perhaps he'd find it silly were it anyone else, but here he is trying to help, and Hubert can't even let down those walls and explain the problem.
Why does he have such a hard time trusting someone he knows cares so deeply for him?
He sighs, frustrated, and raises a hand to his chin.]
I'm embarrassed to speak of it. I've managed this long without anyone finding out.
[It's okay. It's fine. He can trust Linhardt with it. He's much more trustworthy than the professor who appeared out of nowhere, right? So why is he trying to run from Linhardt yet again?]
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[Linhardt's trying. He knows that there's fear there, Hubert von Vestra is afraid of something, and Linhardt doesn't want him to be alone in that. He'll keep it a secret, he won't tell a soul, and hell, he's more than willing to fake something if needed to ensure Hubert won't have to be put on this again, but--
Those are simple solutions. They aren't going to help do anything other than hide the actual source of the problem, and Linhardt seems to contemplate for a moment.]
...What can I do for you, to help you with this? [It's calm, at the very least.] If speaking of it is too embarrassing...well, should we set up some sort of excuse for why you cannot do this, to avoid it in the future? Or perhaps I could lie for you, and take the blame for only one of us being on Sky Watch; the professor would more than believe that I would fall asleep and avoid it, so you would certainly have their belief.
[...]
Or perhaps... [Nnn.] Would it make it easier if we exchanged things we were embarrassed to speak of?
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Ridiculous. Nearly as ridiculous as his fear.]
No, it's... Promise me you will not think less of me for it.
[That leaves him before he has time to think about it, and he's suddenly very aware of how stupid it is. He glances away, covering the lower half of his face as if to hide how flushed he is.]
Never mind that. Promise me you will not tell anyone. I cannot have word of this reaching Her Majesty or anyone who would use it against me.
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I promise you that what is said will not leave this room...and I swear I will not think any less of you for what you wish to say to me. You may count on that.
[He knows Hubert took back the other one, but it must have been just as important if he said that one first.]
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He trusts Linhardt. He does, doesn't he? So why is it so difficult to get it out?]
...I'm terrified of heights.
[The words are soft, almost defeated but tempered with frustration.]
I doubt I could even get on a wyvern, much less remain conscious once it left the ground.
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No. No, that's too much logic. This isn't a situation where logic can help, even if it's all Linhardt really knows.
But...he has to try, at least.]
...It's certainly not wrong to be terrified of such a thing. And I can understand why you would want to avoid having others know, lest it...
[Ugh, no, no, that's wrong--Linhardt shakes his head.]
No, no, I...I suppose what I mean to say is that it is not an unfounded fear. And I look at you no lesser for having such a thing.
[...That's better but not by much, okay. Okay, he's getting this, he thinks.]
...Would it be better to discuss a plan of action, to avoid dealing with this?
[...that's still too much logic, but we do have to deal with the elephant in the room at some point.]
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And then he finds himself laughing, without really meaning to. He gets it under control quickly, but there's still the tiniest smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth when he responds.]
You're terrible at this.
[It's gentle, though. He reaches up to take Linhardt's hand from his shoulder and without thinking, laces their fingers together.]
Don't get me wrong, it is important to have a plan of action, and that is something we will need to discuss. The first and most important thing is to sympathize and understand, then do what you can to set the other person at ease.
In this case, a bit more of a focus on it being an acceptable fear would have been nice, as well as acknowledgement and understanding. Most people don't react well to hearing plans of action first.
[Obviously he doesn't mind, but it doesn't hurt to share what he's learned with Linhardt. Empathy was never something that came naturally to him. Even now he has to pause and figure out how to address the situation in a way that isn't cold or dismissive. It wouldn't be accurate to say he has no empathy, he just didn't learn how to express it in any sort of proper way early on and it was only through Her Majesty's lessons that he's even gotten to this point.
So he doesn't find it frustrating or upsetting that Linhardt's bad at this. Honestly, he'd probably be more embarrassed if Linhardt did get overly sympathetic.]
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...Admittedly, only a bit, because Hubert is actually willing to explain that much to him--Linhardt definitely feels kind of guilty for him having to do so in the first place, when he's clearly been a distressed mess this entire time and it should be Lin who's comforting him, and Linhardt's expression doesn't really brighten any or anything, but he does nod his head and listen rather attentively. Hubert's at least willing to tell him this much, and he does appreciate it.]
I suppose I was...worried that such a thing might come off as insincere--that if I spent so much time reiterating the point of how terrible it was, that at best, it would come off as, well, speaking in circles; I didn't think such a thing would help you. At worst, it would likely have come off as mocking your fear, which is the last thing I would want to do after you entrusted it to me.
[...He does wind up squeezing Hubert's hand a little bit, and their interlaced fingers. Linhardt clearly doesn't mind, and his expression lightens the slightest bit.]
I do thank you for going out of your way, despite your own distress, but you shouldn't have had to. I apologize, for not realizing that myself; it's incredibly unfair to you, and what you are facing.
[That much is sincere, at the very least. It's a reality he needs to face, after all, and he's kind of glad that Hubert didn't get angry at him for it.]
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[He is never telling Linhardt that he was seriously considering letting a wyvern take a bite out of his arm to avoid this.]
I would never have assumed it was mocking. [Not from Linhardt.] There's no need to apologize; comfort like this doesn't come easily to everyone. It took me a long time to learn how to handle others' distress, and even then I still tend to come off as far too cold.
[...]
When we were children, Her Majesty would often get very upset. I couldn't understand why, and I couldn't help her. She eventually taught me how to read others and attempt to see how they were in pain and what sort of response they might like. Without her assistance, I can only imagine how horrible I'd be at it.
[He squeezes Linhardt's hand in return. He probably should let go, but he finds he doesn't want to.]
Don't worry too much about it. It isn't easy to learn, but I don't mind assisting you with it from time to time, if you'd like.
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He listens. It is good to know that Edelgard was able to do that for Hubert, really; he could only imagine how bad at this Hubert would be if he wasn't trained to look for those sort of things. Linhardt supposes that makes sense, even if he's never properly understood some of those things; why people act the way they do is something that has perplexed Linhardt a lot, especially when it comes to delicate subjects.
Linhardt winds up shaking his head in response to Hubert's words. Honestly, that the subject has shifted to this from Hubert's own distress is actually kind of making Linhardt unhappy, that's--]
I thank you for the offer, and shall take it in the future, as I want to better understand this and assist you as best I can--but this is not about me.
[Linhardt winds up shaking his head. Hubert's just going to go back to avoiding the subject if he lets this become the focus, isn't he? And that's missing the entire point of at least trying to help him overcome this, or avoid it, or just listen to him when he's trying to open up. It's vexing in a way Linhardt greatly dislikes, and Linhardt's words are firm, perhaps a little annoyed and upset, but there's a strange feeling behind them that Linhardt doesn't quite understand. But he persists none the less.]
Hubert, allow me to make something clear--you are not working yourself up far too much. What you're feeling right now is a result of something that paralyzed you with fear, and to say something like that is simply 'working yourself up'...it disregards even your own fears, does it not? It discards them off to the side, and allows you the chance to run away from them, but...
Isn't it cruel to not give yourself that same sort of courtesy? [Linhardt feels somewhat bad for turning this on Hubert himself, but he's not sure he could get the point across otherwise.] Because you're deserving of it. You're more than deserving of such a courtesy--anyone would be afraid of such a thing, of being essentially at the mercy of a fickle being who is far more in control of the situation in the air than you are. When you're that high up, it's near impossible for someone to be able to assist you, and if something happened, then that's--that's--
[...The words die off there, and Linhardt isn't even sure he's kept his point straight anymore.]
...That's cruel, and negligent towards yourself. Perhaps I spoke out of turn, but...that is very distinctly what it sounds like.
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He's always been particularly bad at minimizing his own feelings. He always puts Her Majesty first, and everything else is secondary. He was so terrified of his feelings for Linhardt that he his from them for four damn years, of course it's not a surprise that he's refusing to acknowledge his own fear even when openly admitted to someone he trusts.
Cruel and negligent toward himself. Is that what it is? He's done this for so long. He's always, always ignored his own feelings to focus on the goal and what was needed of him. He's always been so determined to not let anything get in the way that in the process, he's lost himself. He's been so caught up in being Her Majesty's dagger - and now, her army - that he's never really let himself acknowledge his own feelings, or even pursue the things he wants.
Linhardt is right. It isn't fair to be cruel to himself like this. But how does he deal with knowing that everything he's done for so long has been detrimental to him? If Her Majesty knew... she'd be extremely upset. She's always considered him a friend, and knowing that his desire to do everything he can for her has wound up hurting him like this...
It's a lot to take in. The scope of it is almost dizzying. How could he have been so blind?]
I... I didn't intend to turn the conversation away from it, or to ignore it.
[He can start by clarifying that much, even if the rest of it is almost completely overwhelming.]
When I was young, my father taught me how to ride a horse. The very first time I managed to get up on horseback, I passed out. He insisted that I needed to learn how to ride and eventually, I was able to do it. I suspect it's only because I grew tall enough that the distance to the ground wasn't enough to bother me as much.
[He's not really sure why he says it, but it helps some of the puzzle pieces fit into place.]
My father was... He was the sort of man I will never be. He was not cruel, but he did not prioritize the Emperor as he should have. I vowed to never be anything like him, and that may have... caused me to become overzealous in my devotion to Her Majesty.
[...]
My fears are unimportant at best and a hindrance to Her Majesty at worse. My desires are hers and anything else is a distraction. I am hers to command, and nothing more.
[He raises his free hand to his forehead, like he's fighting off a coming headache.]
...I have said too much. Please, forget that. I will sort through all of this later.
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There's no mistaking the mild disgust that crosses Linhardt's face as Hubert talks about his father--who does that to their child? Who looks at their child's fear, their child's understandable fear, and forces them to continue without helping them attempt to combat it? Who does that? Who does that? Linhardt almost doesn't even want to know what Hubert's father apparently did to not prioritize Edelgard, but something tells him the disgust might overwhelm him entirely if he knew. Even vaguely, it explains why he's so dedicated to her, and that's...
All of this is eye opening. Linhardt isn't sure he could forget it if he tried--Hubert's laid himself bare, without even meaning to, and everything he's said does something to Linhardt's chest, and he feels like it's breaking, almost, and he should do something to help, anything--
He winds up using the hand that's entwined with Hubert's to pull him closer, and his own free hand to hug the man tightly. Linhardt's never really given any proper hugs in his life, but he's had plenty of people to learn from--plenty of people who he cares for, deeply, and appreciates. Some he appreciates so much more, after all of this.
(He's going to need to write a letter to his parents tonight, to thank them for raising him well.)]
Your father sounds like he was a craven man. Hideous, at that--that he would do such things to you is a failing on his part, to say nothing of how he neglected Her Majesty. That's not the way a father should treat his child--that's not how anyone should be treated.
[Linhardt's words are firm when he says that much.]
...I will insist you are more than that--more than a simple weapon, and more than the sum of your experiences. You're a human being, Hubert, and one who deserves far better from this world.
[...]
You may sort through all of this whenever you like; it sounds like there is...much, to go through. But you don't have to face it alone anymore, if you don't want to. There are people who are willing to fight for you, too.
[Linhardt doesn't know if that's a comfort, and he doesn't know if he's even saying anything sensible. But he feels like Hubert needs to know all of this. It feels right, and he doesn't want to take any of it back.]
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Maybe if he'd figured this out four years ago, things would be very different with Linhardt. That gets him to tighten his grip on his friend.]
House Vestra has served the Emperor ever since the founding of the Empire. My father betrayed that and turned his back on the previous Emperor. Our house's legacy meant nothing to him, just as the Emperor did. He did nothing to Her Majesty - thankfully - but his were the actions of a traitor and he got exactly what he deserved.
[His words are far too bitter, and it's only now that he can realize that it runs deeper than a difference in fundamental beliefs. He's hated his father for years, and that was one of the few emotions he allowed himself. It wouldn't be accurate to say he enjoyed killing the man, but he'd enjoyed planning for it, and building up to it, and—
He suddenly doesn't want to think about that anymore. He pulls Linhardt closer instead.]
Thank you. I... In all honesty, I don't know what to do with such a notion. I have never needed - or wanted - anyone to fight for me. I was under the impression I never needed anyone at all.
I'm glad I have you by my side, Linhardt. I don't know what I'd do without you.
[He would have retreated further into his role as Her Majesty's weapon. He would have tried to crush his feelings even further. He spent four years doing that, after all. While it feels like he's realized something he really shouldn't, it's also almost liberating; he's worked out (a part of) what's wrong with him, and maybe it's something he can begin to fix, even a little bit.
Best of all, he finally understands why he has so much trouble letting Her Majesty and Linhardt in. Maybe, after so many years of not understanding and avoiding it, he can finally begin to heal.]
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