King Xander of Nohr (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
advancements) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
sranks2019-09-23 03:02 am
advancements) wrote in sranks2019-09-23 03:02 am
advancements) wrote in sranks2019-09-23 03:02 am
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But then the lock clicks and he releases a breath he didn't realize he was holding.
Lorenz pushes the door open and steps in, shutting it behind him before he looks at Camilla. Whatever it was he was expecting, it isn't this.
Her hair is white now - that's the first thing he notices. Her eyes are pink. She looks so much thinner now, but her uniform clings to her arms in ways it didn't before - more muscular, but nearly starving, perhaps. She doesn't look nearly as broken as he would have thought overall - she's obviously tired and drained, but that pales in comparison to the biggest changes.
Why is her hair white? What happened to change her eye color? How could this happen?
While he considers that, if she does end up looking at him, he's perhaps surprisingly put-together. His uniform remains intact, and it doesn't look like he's been neglecting his appearance in any way. He'd almost look perfectly normal, were it not for the dark bags under his eyes that makeup can't quite cover entirely. She knows better than anyone that he always tries to look presentable, and that much certainly hasn't changed. But there are little differences here and there - the hems of his sleeves are worn down, his hair's a bit longer than he usually prefers it, small things that most people wouldn't notice but mark him as a bit more distracted than he usually is.
He's still considering her appearance and how best to handle this. He doesn't want to be too careful with her for fear of offending her, but he doesn't think it's a good idea to drag her into a hug immediately either, even though that's all he can think of doing.
He settles on offering her a hand, then. The injuries the sword left are long since healed, only leaving some very faint scars on his palm and the insides of his arm.]
I-I... I've missed you so much, Camilla.
[His voice threatens to break, even with just those words.]
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It's a lot, and Camilla almost wants to hug him herself--to throw all caution out the window and to embrace him, but she doesn't deserve to. She's a failure, a failure, and--
Camilla flinches at first when he offers her that hand--the movement is all too sudden, as if she's used to any movement coming with the stipulation of pain coming shortly after. But it doesn't come, and she stares at his hand for a moment before just...]
I...why? Lord Lorenz, I...I failed you. I failed you completely and utterly. I don't--I don't deserve such a thing.
[And yet Camilla shudders as she says that, as if she's trying to drive him away but can't, and her own voice threatens to break as she looks anywhere but at him--]
Please, don't...don't look at me. Don't look at this failure of a servant anymore. You deserved so much better in those times, and you deserve better now.
[Camilla glances away, shutting her eyes in frustration. But honestly, she sounds like she's trying very hard not to cry, that he's still showing her kindness even now.]
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He keeps his hand outstretched, waiting. Despite her initial flinch, he wants her to know that she's safe here with him, and that he will always offer her a hand.]
Camilla... That wasn't your fault. I chose to accompany Xander, I was... tricked into leaving. That was entirely my fault. I made a foolish mistake, and look what happened. It was never a failure on your part. You were forced into an unfavorable situation, and you took the only option you felt you could and for that...
[His free hand rests on his chest as he ducks into a full and proper bow.]
I'm immensely sorry. I never, ever wanted any harm to come to you. I should have been more careful. I should never have put you in a situation like that to begin with. Words cannot ever begin to express how much regret I hold for that action, and for being unable to save you that day.
[He remains bowed for a moment longer, fighting to get his expression mostly under control before he stands and faces her again.]
I'm sorry I was unable to save you from House Krakenburg. We... were gathering information, trying to come up with a suitable plan of action, but...
[The words trail off and his gaze darts. Who are they kidding, they're just a bunch of scared teenagers trying their best to make sense of something horrific happening.
He wonders how Lysithea will react when she sees Camilla's near-matching hair and eye colors.]
I know I cannot ask you not to blame yourself. But please know that I do not blame you for any of this.
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[Camilla can barely muster an argument--not when she's honestly close to breaking down again at recalling the events of that day. She always thought that she could have done something more, to save him. Not been at the stables, to start. Camilla could have stayed glued to his side for the whole day, and personally seen Xander into the pond for such things, uncaring of how it painted her and yet--
Lord Lorenz is bowing and apologizing, over and over again, and Camilla still can't bring herself to look. The tears start coming down against Camilla's own judgement, and she just can't--]
Stop. Please, just stop, I don't deserve any of this.
[Camilla's hands ball up into fists by her side--he'll likely be able to see plenty of old magic scarring on them if he looks, and suffice to say, it's likely not good news for either of them.]
Please, just blame me. I could have done so much more to protect you, and I didn't. That lapse of judgement nearly cost you your life! If you had died there that day, if they had just--decided to kill you, without any consideration, they--I--
[Camilla shakes something fierce, and it's clear that she can't handle what he's saying. It's forgiveness she doesn't deserve, when all she deserves is self-loathing and hate and the knowledge they don't even care what she does now, because she'll die soon anyway--]
Please, Lord Lorenz...please, you deserve so much better, and you shouldn't be made to apologize for such things. You deserve a servant who would have insisted on staying by your side, to prevent such things from happening. I've failed you in so many ways, and I can't...I don't deserve to be by your side anymore, nor to be saved.
[She still hasn't taken his hand. She doesn't deserve to, as far as she's concerned, as much as she wants to, and her hands go to hide her face as she winds up turning away from him entirely, hiding her face in her hands and trying to keep her composure, but...failing, entirely.
Hell, she collapses to her knees, and she wants nothing more than to break for a while. She's not expecting anything out of him, and as much as she wants to grip onto his hand and accept such a thing, her honor as a servant won't let her.
(Her status as a failure of a friend won't let her either.)]
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Her last words are like daggers directly in his heart, but he tries to remain steadfast despite them. She hides her face and turns away, and then she's crumpling to the floor and he's beside her in an instant. She seems to be okay, it's just all this overwhelming emotional trauma that's getting to her.
He understands, he wants to do nothing more than cry right now too. But he can hold back his own tears until he's at least calmed her worries somewhat.
Lorenz wraps an arm around her shoulders, but doesn't move to pull her closer or to try to pry her hands away from her face. He can see those lines, marks of magic used over and over and over again that she never had before... But now isn't the time to focus on that.]
I'm here, Camilla. I'm here, and nothing you can say or do will get me to leave your side. You aren't just my servant, you're my friend, and I will never leave a friend behind, no matter what.
[The words are a bit shaky, but they're confident, and he thinks that's the most important thing right now. He does mean it, of course; he isn't going to leave her.]
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But that doesn't happen. Camilla flinches when Lorenz wraps his arm around her shoulders, but she winds up easing into it when she realizes he's not going to leave. He really isn't, even though he should, and she wants to push him off, but she can't. She can't, not when he's saying all of that and standing with her despite it all, and it hurts so much.]
Lord Lorenz...
[Camilla winds up letting a few sobs escape before she just...winds up letting her hands down and shifts a bit to face him. It takes her a few moments, wiping her reddened eyes and trying to decide exactly how many protocols she's going to break today, but...
Well, if he doesn't move out of the way, she's going to close the distance between him and pull him into a hug. It's likely going to feel odd, and she silently hopes he's not worried by any of the incision sites he feels if he hugs her back--there's a lot, but more than anything, she just...needs this.]
...I really don't deserve someone as kind as you as a friend. I...I apologize, my lord, that you have to see me like this. And that I'm...not well.
[...]
And I'm...sorry, for trying to drive you away, when you're clearly hurting as well.
[It's soft, really, and shaky; like Camilla's trying to stuff down all of the feelings she has in order to get that out and not be a sobbing mess.]
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Then she's pressed forward and hugging him, and his arms wind around her waist easily, holding her tightly. He can feel marks on her skin that were never there before - incisions? what did they do to her? - but he makes no comment about them, and it doesn't stop him from holding her tightly.]
You could never drive me away, Camilla. You are a dear, dear friend, the shining light of House Gloucester. That much will never change, I can promise you that.
[She may not share his hair color anymore, but that doesn't change that she's still family and that he still cares deeply for her.]
We will do everything we can to help you feel better, Camilla. It isn't just me, the rest of the Golden Deer will as well.
[There's no doubt in his mind about that. They were all trying so hard to come up with a plan to save her, so of course they'll do everything they can to help her settle back into life here. He can't imagine how difficult that will be for her, not after whatever horrors she went through.
He won't ask about those. Not now. The most important thing right now is to hold her close and let her know he's not going anywhere.]
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(Though it's a painful reminder, considering what she had to do while she was there. Elise had been so scared, yet so happy to see Camilla even in their captive state, and she had hoped her big sister could be able to save them--she even used that newly gained crest of Cethleann to heal some of her wounds, but then they considered her a failure and--)
Camilla's grip tightens a bit, and she shudders as her mind wanders toward those dreadful scenes, and she makes some kind of pained noise--before she winds up burying her head in Lorenz's shoulder briefly and shakes something fierce.]
My lord, calling me a shining light is...excessive. I'm not a member of House Gloucester's family, even despite...despite Mother's connections. She likely gave that up when Father lured her away, and I'm...I'm really nothing so special. You are actually family, and deserve the title so much more...
[Her voice is shaky, but she's...she's trying, it's just strange to hear that--]
...I don't know if I can adjust to a normal life again. Or...feel better, after all of this. I don't want you all to have to deal with me in such a state...
[One of Camilla's hands goes up to rub Lorenz's back a bit, gently and kindly.]
...But for whatever little life I have left, it...it belongs to all of you. For whatever all of you may need.
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[The anger hits him like a tidal wave. He's been intentionally trying not to think too much about father's letter and how horribly alone he's felt since Camilla's disappearance, but now that she's back and here in his arms, the force of the fury he's been ignoring is almost overwhelming.
His father chose to ignore her. He chose to let her be captured and tortured because of the political risks in rescuing a member of their family. His father always insisted that Camilla isn't family despite their shared hair color and crest. He was always so adamant that Lorenz never see her as more than a servant, and now...
Now he's shaking as he thinks about House Gloucester's cowardice. Duke Garon was right - even with one of their own captured, they refused to lift a finger to help. Weak. Pathetic.
It won't be like this when he's in charge, he vows. He will never let anything like this happen again. If he has to burn House Krakenburg to the ground to prevent it, then so be it. If he has to fight the entire Goddess-damned Empire to get there, then so be it.
Those thoughts remain in his head (where they belong) and he tires to focus on Camilla's words, on the gentle hand on his back.]
I felt similarly, you know.
[The words are quiet, and he's not really sure he wants to get into it, but—]
I... didn't know what to do when we returned to the monastery. They came after us, you know. All of our fellow Golden Deer were there, and they brought me back here. Claude and Hilda stole wyverns, Leonie and Marianne stole horses and they all chased after us. They were able to get me back safely [well, mostly] and I holed myself up in my room. I couldn't let them see me at less than my best. Do you know what they did?
[The pause is mostly for him to steady his shaking shoulders, he isn't waiting for a response.]
They took time out of their day every day to come visit me. Claude refused to leave me alone and had Ashe help him pick the lock to my room. He insisted on dragging me out to eat, to have tea with him, to do something that wasn't remain locked up in my room. Hilda helped me write a letter to my father, and when she wasn't doing that, she was bringing me flowers or doing her best to lighten my mood. All of them kept an eye out for information, and all of them insisted on dragging me into a routine so I could keep moving forward.
I'm telling you this because I want you to understand just how much they want to help. Even if you cannot adjust to life here again, even if you cannot feel better... they aren't going to stop trying. All of them will be right here for you. No matter what, you can count on all of us to support you.
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[Camilla honestly isn't sure what to say to all of that, and she's...perhaps uncomfortably still as she listens to him. Has he always considered her family? Camilla remembers well the disparaging words his father spoke once to her, that she was to never consider herself an actual family member--that this was being done as a favor to her, and that she should be grateful for that much.
Camilla's not sure how to feel, really, other than...well, it certainly explains a lot about herself and her own feelings. It explains a lot about why they've always been so close, as well, perhaps closer than friends but...it makes more sense now, the more that she thinks about it and everything she's ever done for Lorenz. She's always seen him as a little brother; he's always reminded her of the few children she got close to in the castle, he was so kind and she wanted to protect him. Protect that kindness and ensure that he would grow into a fine young man.
She doesn't get a chance to respond before she hears what the Golden Deer had managed to do--they must have done all of this after she had been knocked out, but...to hear all of it laid out--to hear how Lorenz had been struggling shouldn't come as a shock to Camilla, but it does, at least somewhat. Camilla has never forgotten just how much he's stressed how much she means to him, and how they've been...well, friends for so many years, but to know that her lord had been affected so badly...
It hurts. But knowing that the Golden Deer were there for him, that they had risked so much to save him--to try and save them both--and that they took care of Lorenz by force? It's so strange to hear that, and yet...it really reiterates just how much the Golden Deer care. They always have cared about their own things, and they were never quite unified at first--but to know that they wanted her lord to move forward no matter what, and that just maybe, they want her to as well, it's...
Camilla starts to shake against her lord, at the reminder of all of this warmth after every bit of coldness she's faced. They care. They want to help, and it's like they're all family, in a way. At least, that's what it feels like to Camilla.]
...I am so glad that they came to your aid, my lord. I had always thought of our housemates as interesting individuals, but to know that they care so much...that they were willing to go so far to try and save us both, that they were willing to see to your care when you got back and help you move forward. That they were even so willing to go so far as to [help us] gather information for you, and do so much...
[...]
I don't know how good I'll be at...accepting help. You know as well as anyone that I tend to be horrible with such things, but...that they are willing and want to help us, help me, is...
It means so very much. And I want to...try, to move forward some, to...deal with all of this. It will certainly be hard, but...
I trust them. And that they've already done so much has only solidified that trust.
...Thank you, my lord. [Camilla really doesn't know what to say, honestly.] I ought to thank them as well, when I am ready to do so. I don't know how much company I will want, but...if they're going to try and drag me out anyway, I won't stop them.
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Thankfully, Camilla seems to have calmed a bit and her words get him to relax a little.]
I will talk to them and ensure none of them attempt to drag you out of here until you're ready for it. They will certainly stop by to check in on you and perhaps bring you things, but I won't allow them to be that rude.
[Just because it worked for him doesn't mean it'll work for everyone, after all.]
Take all the time you need. I understand if you need some time to yourself, but I will be here whenever you'd like company. [He can't imagine leaving her side again, honestly.] I promise that we will all be here for you, for whatever you may need or want. They're... incredibly kind people, and I believe they have more or less accepted us as one big, dysfunctional family unit.
[There's a bit of humor to his voice, but he certainly isn't mocking the idea. In a way, it's sort of nice. House Gloucester has been nothing but good to him, but he's fully aware that Camilla's experience wasn't a good one. Certainly better than House Krakenburg had been to her, but that isn't saying much. So for her to have a family like this... it's a nice thought, at the very least.]
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[It'll at least get her back to being...somewhat normal. Camilla doesn't know if she's really going to be necessarily okay now that this has all come to light--when there's much she needs to tell him, especially of how House Krakenburg knows that she inherited House Gloucester's crest. How Xander knows, and it could be dangerous, but...
She doesn't want to focus on that. Camilla winds up letting out the smallest chuckle at the notion of them all being family--it's something that does make Camilla's thoughts drift briefly back to the siblings in the castle--but no. No, she won't let her thoughts drift now. They can do that tonight if they need to, and she'll...deal with it, she supposes.]
...I thank you, my lord, but you know I could rarely refuse your company. [She'd leave it at that, but...] One big, dysfunctional family unit...I've been a part of that once, but this? I...genuinely cannot say that I mind. We're all like brothers and sisters, banding together for the sake of one another, and that's...that's what family should be, isn't it? They should be able to stand together, rather than get torn apart from the inside...
[...]
At any rate, my lord...I...am happy to consider you all that much.
[Camilla doesn't want to say what's actually on her mind.]
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[He knows they're going to continue to surprise him with how much effort they put in for Camilla. It's... really nice, honestly.]
You're right, though. This is what a family should be - not a collection of ideals and lineage, of duties and expectations and positions. It should be something comforting; people who care about one another and will do everything they can to help, no matter how dire the situation.
[And that... really does explain everything, doesn't it. His family here has given him so much more than House Gloucester ever has.
That's a thought for another time and another place, so he moves on.]
I'm pleased to hear it. We will all be here for you. I... I'm so glad you're back.
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[Yes, even Claude. Who knows, maybe she'll actually be a decent person to him now, instead of cold and dismissive...well, honestly, she will, because she does owe him something of an apology for being so rude to him.
There's...much to be done, really, and she nods in agreement at his position on family, because she does agree. Family should be a comfort in trying times. Her mother had tried to give that to her to the best of her ability when Camilla was small, and when she was gone, Lorenz gave that much to her.
It's...nice to think about. And Camilla's arms tighten just a bit more around Lorenz, firm, but not too overbearing.]
...I'm glad to be back. I never wish to be in those castle walls again; my true family is here, with all of you. And I...I may need time to properly re-adjust, but I do think that in due time...I shall appreciate such things. And I shall endeavor to never leave your side again, my lord.
[...]
...Family... [Camilla's thoughts drift back to that for a moment, her gaze...far away and glassy for a moment before focusing again, elaborating.] ...The idea of true family has always been something that's...lost on me. Certainly, I had my mother, and she was...not perfect, but she did everything she could for my sake. She treated me so much better than anyone else had ever thought to, other than... [Xander] ...other such people in House Krakenburg. Once I lost her, I never thought it would be possible for such a thing to be found again.
[She should stop there, she should stop before she says something improper, but...]
...The closest I had ever come to obtaining that feeling again was from serving you, if...I may admit such a thing.
[It's a tough admission, and there's more she could say, but...well, she doesn't want to overwhelm him. Even if it likely doesn't come as a shock to Lord Lorenz at all.]
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He isn't exactly surprised by her admission, but it's a nice one anyway.]
I have always valued you as both a servant and a friend. Father spent so much time insisting that I shouldn't see you as family... but even at the start of our time here I was wondering if that was really correct. Whether he likes it or not, we share blood. You are family, and I want to treat you as such.
[...]
Not in public; I'm afraid that would only complicate things. And I... understand how much you enjoy assisting me. If that is what you want to continue doing, I will not argue with you. But I do not want to think of you as merely a servant to House Gloucester, or only my friend. You are... almost like a sister, I must confess. I suppose that may sound a bit strange, given our positions.
[But it's the truth, and there's no shame in admitting it.]
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You are... almost like a sister, I must confess. I suppose that may sound a bit strange, given our positions.
Oh.
Oh, he just--]
...Well. I must confess, you've stolen the words right out of my mouth.
[Camilla's voice is soft, really, but it's...attempting to be elegant. A stalwart attempt, at any rate, and not just...trying to be tired. Sure, House Krakenburg had ensure that she wouldn't look too suspicious when she came back, but the mental damage was honestly far worse than the physical damage. Those words aren't healing the cracks in her psyche entirely, but...
They're at least helping.]
I've always viewed you as a brother to me, as well. I...wouldn't dare to call you such a thing in public--I know that would cause only problems for House Gloucester. More than I...dare say have been caused in this past month alone...
[...She's gonna have to explain that she used magic to try and take out Xander at some point, if Xander hasn't already tried to lord this over Lorenz's head--but that's not the point now.]
I will continue to serve you. Do not think that I would ever reconsider that position at all. [...] But I would be truly honored to...be your sister, my lord, in private. That certainly won't change much between us, if that is something you wish; I intend to look out for you the same as I always do.
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The part about House Gloucester gets him to huff, a rather undignified sound of annoyance.]
Don't worry at all about House Gloucester. I will handle that.
[It's full of disdain, but he won't elaborate on any of that mess right now. The important thing is the second part, which gets him to smile softly.]
I know you will. Still, I would like nothing more than to consider you as such. However... I would request that you consider calling me by name. It's a bit strange for a sister to call her brother "my lord", isn't it?
[He knows that isn't something she'll be comfortable with right away, but maybe someday...]
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[...Camilla's content to let that go for now, but she's mostly shocked about the disdain. What on earth happened while she was gone? She can't imagine that the letter he sent to his father netted anything good, but...
Well, the first sentence gets her to smile, but the second one gets her pale face to go pink in a way that it never usually does. Camilla has never looked so scandalized in her life???]
I--I will consider it, but I doubt such a thing is possible... [...Camilla considers it for a moment, trying to say it but then shaking her head when simply his name won't come out.] ...I'd love for nothing more as well, however.
[...]
Would 'brother dear' perhaps suffice, for now, Lord Lorenz?
[CAMILLA HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT BUT NOT JUST CALL THE BOY BY HIS FIRST NAME]
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W-Well, it is a bit... much...
["Brother dear"...]
But I believe I can grow accustomed to it in time!
[he's gonna die every time she says it]
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...
Oh no that's adorable.]
...If it does make you uncomfortable, I shall stop. But...
[Okay no, she pulls him back in closer and there's...something faint in her expression--a smile, though she's still having a hard time with expressions, but--]
I am so very happy. Really, I could not be happier, my sweet brother dear--I will endeavor to ensure I get better in...as short of an order as I can, so that the future will be brighter for us both.
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Well, it's too late. Camilla absolutely gets to see his rather stunned and flushed expression; he can't say he's all that bothered by it, really, but it is a bit embarrassing...
And then she's pulling him back and he settles against her easily.]
Don't push yourself too hard. I will be right here beside you, no matter what. Don't try to rush to feel better.
[He knows she wants to, but this isn't the sort of thing you can rush, right? Either way, he's prepared to be patient and do what he can to help her.]
Thank you, sister. For all you've done for me. Let me help take care of you for a little while.
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[Camilla knows that this much is only staving off the inevitable, really--the nightmares to come, the slightest bit of panic that'll likely come when she's in a space too dark--the paranoia, everything. It's going to be a lot to sort through, and...
...
Well okay, Camilla absolutely glad she's pulled him in close because being called sister is something she's always wanted and she's trying very hard not to tear up again????]
...If you'd truly like to help, I would be remiss to deny you. But I ask that you not over-exert yourself either; I would not want to have to worry over you more than usual, if you do.
[...]
But please, try to stay by my side if you can. Not all the time, but... [Mmm. She's gotta address it--] ...I don't want Xander to get any ideas again, even if I worry he likely has many as it stands...and I'm afraid I did not help in one such regard.
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I understand, and I will endeavor to be by your side as often as possible. In the event that I cannot be, I will ask Claude to stand in for me.
[...never mind that the last time we talked about Claude we agreed he belonged in the pond?? Listen, his opinion of Claude has skyrocketed since then.]
We will not allow him - or anyone - to get close to you. We will do everything in our power to keep you safe, and I will not allow anything to hurt you again.
[That isn't something he can promise, but that isn't going to stop him from trying.
Something occurs to him then, though, and he frowns.]
Would you... prefer to spend your nights alone? I could ask one of the girls if they would remain in here with you if that would help...?
[But he knows Camilla - she won't want to risk upsetting any of them.]
Ideally, I would prefer to stay with you, but I'm not entirely sure how to arrange that...
[Seteth will probably kill him if he finds out??]
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[...But he's not getting the point, Lorenz really needs to understand this before he winds up finding out the hard way that she's fucked up--]
Ah...no, no, it's fine. I'd rather not burden any of the other girls with such a thing, nor you. I've never been a heavy sleeper at all, and I'm afraid this may only...exacerbate the issues more. I wouldn't want any of you to have to deal with me in such a state.
[...Honestly it'd be embarrassing too, she's really not sure how she'd handle another person in the room while she's sleeping...honestly, it'd remind her too closely of her mom, she thinks, which is...where most of the issue is..........]
...But my lord, please, I need to stress this--it's about my crest. I...I messed up--I tried to kill Xander with magic, when I chased after the both of you. And...well, they tested my magic many times over when they experimented on me, and...
[...Y e a h...]
...I apologize sincerely, but I...I'm afraid I did mess up dearly.
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But Camilla moves on to something more pressing, and Lorenz draws back so he can get a better look at her, frowning.]
I see. I... I'm terribly sorry that they did such a thing to you.
[The experimenting, of course. He sort of figured that had something to do with it, but...]
I understand your concerns, and I am not trying to dismiss this as unimportant. But I promise you, we will find a way to face it together. Should House Krakenburg do something with this, I will do everything in my power to ensure that no more harm comes to you. That is my primary concern. Everything else is something we can handle, I have no doubts about that.
[It could prove disastrous for House Gloucester, depending on how it's spun. But if that is the way things play out, then so be it. His concern is with Camilla's safety, not his family's name and honor. "Honor" is a bit of a stretch anyway, given his father's actions.]
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