King Xander of Nohr (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
advancements) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
sranks2019-09-23 03:02 am
advancements) wrote in sranks2019-09-23 03:02 am
advancements) wrote in sranks2019-09-23 03:02 am
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Camilla's gaze finally returns back to Lorenz, when his hand shifts and he's offering her a hand. Her eyes widen, shocked; she's not sure how to take this. It would be improper to do so, she knows that, Camilla knows that entirely too well. To do something like this would break so many codes of conduct. She should drop the subject right now, while she can still recover, maybe decide that it's too much to bear and...
...
Camilla winds up taking his hand, gentle and with care despite her own need for comfort. Her own are ungloved, rough and calloused from the work she does, but it does calm her. At least somewhat.]
...Thank you, my lord. You have always been incredibly understanding and empathetic, more than our housemates could ever give credit for; I have always appreciated it, and even now, such a thing continues. [Camilla smiles, kind and gentle, for the first time in this conversation.] I merely ask that what I say never leaves this room; if this were to get back to Xander, he would no doubt tell Father, and I could not bear to put you in danger like that.
[She'll wait for him to promise, before starting. This? This is the easy part.]
Father is every bit the womanizer that the rumors say he is. Being a powerful noble of the empire, he had no shortage of beautiful, desperate young women throwing themselves at his feet. And he took in every single one and bedded them without hesitation. Each and every one of them became a concubine--never wives--in that large, sprawling castle of his. As you can imagine, there was no shortage of children crawling about the castle as well.
We were all expressly forbidden from ever leaving the castle grounds. Well, save for Xander, of course. He was the one that Father acknowledged as his heir, and he was allowed to go with him whenever he wished. But us? We were confined to the castle grounds. We had to deal with each other on a constant basis, dealing with the sneers of the other noblewomen and the jeers from the commoners. We were always at odds with one another, and there was barely any friendliness between all of us.
Of course, well...Father didn't care. In fact, he encouraged it. He encouraged the hostility between the women, spreading rumors about and making tensions as high as possible. And that isn't even saying anything about what he did to the children.
[Camilla starts to anger as she goes on, but she keeps her grip steady on Lorenz's hand, making sure to never grip too tightly. She takes a sip of tea with her free hand, but she lets that set in as the start of this mess. She's not done, but...hoo boy, this next bit is gonna be fucked. But this probably explains a lot about Camilla, she's sure.]
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He doesn't dwell on it for long, instead he nods at her words. It's true that the others in their house don't have a good understanding of him, but it isn't as though he's bothered by it. The Golden Deer are... an interesting bunch. They've only just started learning about each other, so perhaps in time they'll come to understand more about him.
The rest of what she says is far more important, and Lorenz has to take a breath to keep the words that nearly bubble to the surface down. House Gloucester will not allow any danger to come to me or I won't allow that to happen or even You don't need to be worried for my sake. None of them are things he needs to say. Reassurances like that won't mean much right now, so he says what will.]
Nothing you say will ever leave this room. You have my word.
[He presses his free hand to his chest and bows slightly, as if to confirm the promise. He knows she doesn't need him to. She probably don't even need him to promise in the first place, but it's important that he do so in order to set her mind at ease and allow her to continue.
And continue she does. Lorenz's expression tightens as she goes. He's heard plenty of rumors about House Krakenburg, especially since arriving here, but knowing that many of those rumors are true... It's disgusting. What a flagrant use of one's power and nobility for... that. Despicable.
He keeps his thoughts to himself as she continues and he finds his grip tightening against her hand without him meaning to. He can't say he minds it at the moment, however. Only once she's finished and taken a sip of her tea does he finally speak.]
I'm certain you don't need to hear it from me, but such uncouth actions are detestable. That man... I am appalled to hear of such behavior from a noble house.
[Sadly, he can't say he's all that surprised, though. There have always been nobles who will use their power to get what they want, and often that includes women and heirs. To treat the children in such a cruel way, though...]
Please, continue. What else did he do to the children?
[What else did he do to her?]
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[Camilla says that easily, but now...now comes the real shit.]
Father was a man who...how do I put it...enjoyed experimenting. [That's probably not promising at all.] With so many children from so many mistresses, he had plenty of opportunities to experiment. He forced many of the children to partake in crest experimentation; with so much noble blood on hand to utilize, he had his pick of just about any crest you could imagine. Many of the women of the castle would wake up one day to find their children gone, and they wouldn't know what had become of them. And Father? He would never tell them. He would simply say that they went missing, and that he was sending his best men after them...
Most of the children died due to these experiments. But that was a mercy, in comparison to those who survived. [Camilla's hand briefly tightens it's grip on Lorenz's.] I knew a girl that this happened to; her name was Corrin. She was such a sweet, cheerful girl when our mother's didn't try to prevent us from playing together. But when she came back after being experimented on, hair gone from pitch black to white as snow, she was...she broke entirely. She came out of her room from time to time, but she could only babble to herself. It was as if she had become a different person entirely when she resurfaced, and then she was...found dead. Simply dropped dead, with no explanation.
It was my mother that found her. Corrin's mother was inconsolable, and mother told me that she saw her go up to Garon, demanding to know what happened...and she had incited many of the other mothers who had lost their children to do so, as well.
[Camilla never saw what happened after that, but...]
Mother said that they all made each other...disappear. [Camilla clearly knows what that means, at least now. She imagines Lorenz will, too.] The women of the castle were already so hostile to one another, and even the other women's children, seeing them as only competition...and sometimes, women and children would wind up dead around the castle. Father always worked to cover that up, so that none would be the wiser.
But this time? Father had incited them to turn against one another, and it caught just enough attention that he had to spend entirely too much time on damage control. But it was enough for mother to decide that she had had enough. Of all of this, and that's when she...decided that we needed to leave.
[...And now comes the hard part. After a sip of tea, of course. This is fine, all of this is fine, the hard part is out of the way, but she needs a second to prepare for the worst. At the very least, the lack of white hair on Camilla's head will likely prove that Garon never got her with his experimentation. That much is a mercy.]
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It's really painful to hear what happened to those poor children, and to their mothers who never could have seen this coming. All because a power-hungry and crazed noble decided to use his status and station to hurt so many people...
Something about that sticks out - the girl Corrin coming back with white hair... No, he's probably just overthinking it. White hair is certainly odd, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. It could just be a coincidence.
Anyway, what's important is that Camilla's hair isn't white, and she presumably wasn't experimented on, otherwise she likely would have been one of the kids that went missing.]
Camilla, I'm... terribly sorry to hear that you had to go through such a thing. [And he suspects the worst part hasn't even happened yet.] That man... I do not have words for how loathsome that man is. I can certainly understand why your mother decided you needed to leave.
[He squeezes her hand tightly for a moment.]
You don't have to continue if you don't want to.
[But he suspects she will, if only because she's already gotten this far.]
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He's utterly loathsome. Utterly. I've never met a more despicable man in my utterly sheltered life, and I...I'm very sorry to burden you with something so awful, my lord...
[Gods, her hand is starting to tighten the more she thinks about this. Camilla has to think back to that night, that awful, awful night, and Camilla's starting to get worked up and shaking again. She's not sure she can do it. Even after all of this time, she's not sure she can take the plunge and just...tell someone, not out of anger, what happened to her mother.
Seconds pass. Many of them, getting closer to minutes as the silence wears on, but Camilla's look eventually goes...blank. Perhaps startlingly so; she finally looks up at Lorenz, but it's as if she's seeing something past him when she talks, her tone even and calm in a way that's unsettling, even for Camilla, who's used to keeping calm under any and all circumstances.]
It's fine. I can do that much. You do not need to worry for me.
[That's. That's unsettling.]
...Mother had already devised a plan to ensure our escape. She had connections within Gloucester territory, she said--she believed that they would be enough to ensure a place for us.
On the night we intended to leave, I had to go back upstairs, for one final suitcase. After that, we could have left. But when I went upstairs to find it, I saw Xander's mother out of the corner of my eye. She turned me around and started to choke me to death from behind with something...
[...Camilla does her best to remember, but it's clear that it's very hard for her, her head going through a fog as she tries.]
I remember...calling out, for my mother. As best as I could. She came upstairs and blasted his mother away with magic. She said...something about us being competition, for Xander. They both clashed, and...I don't remember, but mother crumpled to the ground and told me to run. All I remember after that is...screaming, and seeing red, and...
[...]
I...I think I killed her. I don't remember. I don't know. All I remember is being on that carriage, as if it was a bad dream. But Mother wasn't there, and I...I was...
[...It's starting to hit now, and Camilla's calm starts to break as she shakes in earnest.]
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Eventually she does start talking, but more alarming than the blank words is her vacant expression as she seems to stare straight through him. He tries not to let that bother him (it does, but perhaps this is how she's coping with what happened, and he needs to focus on what she's saying right now) and his horror only builds as she continues.
She was nearly killed. A grown woman tried to kill a child, and for what? Because the lord was pitting them against one another? Camilla could have died there if her mother hadn't come back upstairs. It's no wonder she's been having so much difficulty talking about this, he can only imagine that she's tried to keep it buried for all these years. She's only a little older than he is, and imagining this - imagining killing someone as a child - is horrifying. It's no wonder Camilla's having so much difficulty dealing with all of this, when the wounds never healed right and Xander's appeared to rip them wide open again.
Lorenz's grip tightens on her hand again, and he rubs gentle circles into her hand as he speaks. While all of this is a lot and he's not really sure how to handle it, his voice remains steady and composed.]
What you went through was horrible. The actions of Xander's mother were inexcusable and horrific and you were very lucky to get out of there alive. I am so sorry about your mother, and I understand why seeing Xander again has upset you so. Being reminded of that cruelty would upset anyone, I think.
Words alone will never be enough to make up for what you lost that day. No matter how much time passes, it will always be painful. But please know that you are not alone, and you do not have to deal with any of this alone. I will be right here, and I will do everything in my power to help you.
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Camilla never heard them from anyone before, and they draw her back into reality all too easily as her eyes go wide. Nobody has ever said anything like this to her, of all people. The only one who ever even tried to show her kindness like this was Xander, and her memories of him are entrenched in so much spite and anger at what was taken from her. Of course, Camilla is certain she only has herself to blame; she doesn't remember trying to explain herself to Duke Gloucester, but she already knows it likely went...very stupidly if he tried to ask her...
Those rubbed circles in her hands do see her ease a little more.]
My lord...I...
[Camilla winds up looking away, but at least she's back in reality. Even if it's all starting to hit at once.]
No one has ever told me that before. Any of that. I've been convinced for so many years that what I suffered was sincerely unbelievable, that perhaps it was all simply a nightmare I hadn't woken from yet. Having Xander disbelieve me so utterly made me worry that it really was...
[Camilla laughs, the sound slight but...well, not really the response she should have to this. It's not unhinged or anything, just...a light thing, and she finds herself shaking her head.]
I cannot express enough apologies for burdening you with this, my lord. Everything about this situation is...disgusting, I know. But...I thank you, truly. I've been alone for so many years with this, and to hear that...it's...
[Camilla doesn't finish that. She knows that he asked, that maybe this isn't a burden, but her lord already deals with so much. Adding the burden of this knowledge onto him makes a pang of guilt go through Camilla, and she forces herself to look away.]
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[Explaining it is a bit difficult, because he's not entirely sure how to put it into words. It isn't just their shared blood, although that is a part of it, and it isn't just their bond of lord and servant, though that's part of it too. Friendship isn't quite right either, because that's dismissing everything else. It's a complicated mess of ties and expressing it would be difficult if not impossible... but the important thing is that he likes Camilla and he wants to help.]
Please don't worry about me. I am horrified that you've been through so much before you came to us, and I'm frustrated that there isn't much I can do to help you, but I'm very glad you've told me about all of this. Even if there isn't anything I can do, at the very least I can help comfort you.
[He's not stopping where he's rubbing those gentle circles into her hand; that much has been consistent since it started.]
I promise you, you won't be alone with this again. Should you ever need or want to talk about it, I will always be available to listen.
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Camilla knows this is difficult for him too. This is a lot to realize, and this is more than she should have ever told him.]
I know that it is. Truly, I do.
[...Ah, shoot, Camilla feels something prick at her eyes--let her just use her free hand to rub at them real quick and smooth that out. Camilla has never once cried over this, and she's sure as hell not going to start now.]
But I would like you to realize something. You have already done so much for me as it is. Do you understand that? [Camilla's look slowly starts to calm, and shifting back to that calm that he knows out of her--it isn't strained, it isn't even faked for the sake of her pride, but it is more focused on him. It certainly helps that he's already doing so much for her as it stands.] You listened to me, despite how horrifying the subject matter was. You encouraged me to continue onward, at my own pace. You believed me, and you have shown me understanding that I have never been given before by anyone. You have even promised that I will not be alone, and yet...you still believe you have not done enough?
Do forgive the boldness of such a statement, my lord, but that is utter balderdash. You do not give yourself nearly enough credit. [Camilla's other hand comes up, briefly patting her lord's hand that he has allowed her to clutch before withdrawing it. Her smile is gentle, and she looks to him warmly.] You have given me much in our time together, and now, you have given me the chance to confront this.
I will not hear a single word of the idea that you are not doing enough.
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He ends up smiling, the expression perhaps a bit too open and honest. Even if he is slightly worried about her redirecting his attention, the words are nice...]
I didn't mean to downplay what I have already done for you. It would be terribly rude to dismiss your feelings like that. I'm pleased I've been able to help you as it is, I only wish I could do even more for you.
[Camilla is (as always) excellent at reassuring him, and equally excellent at setting his mind at ease. While it's true that he wasn't trying to downplay what he's done to help her, he hadn't realized just how much he's been doing for her. It's eye-opening, and perhaps a little humbling to hear it.]
Please feel free to come to me with anything, Camilla. I will always be here to listen and to try to help. I'm glad you're feeling a little better, though.
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[Honestly, she's not even realizing just how much she's trying to redirect here. Camilla feels like the situation is better now, and she's happy, isn't she? Surely everything is fine. Surely it is! She's happy, it's all fine!
...It's really telling, though, just how screwed up she is in this regard. But it doesn't show on Camilla's face, which is just as openly happy as his is. Really, it's adorable to see him so happy? It results in something impulsive on Camilla's part, improper, as she reaches over with her free hand and ruffles his hair a bit if he doesn't stop her. It's as if she's seeing someone else entirely when she does it (a sweet girl with black hair, a young and prideful boy with blonde hair, a tiny girl with blond ponytails, even an older boy with slightly curled blonde hair--), and yet...]
I shall, Lord Lorenz. You needn't worry about that. You have allowed me to do this much, after all, and my trust in you has only grown even more, if at all possible!
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So for one panicked moment, he just sort of stares at her like he has no earthly clue how to handle the physical affection she's doling out. It's not as though he's never experienced anything like this - certainly not! But he's an adult now, and it would be improper for anyone to treat him like this.]
...Ah. Yes, of course.
[The words reflect the awkwardness well, and after a moment he ducks his head and scoots back a bit to free himself. The awkwardness has worked its way into a faint blush, but he's thankfully(?) still managing to retain eye contact.]
I'm very pleased I can continue to earn your trust, Camilla. That much is very important to me.
[Quick, he needs a topic to distract himself - both of them, preferably—]
Oh dear, I've completely forgotten our tea! It's gone cold now, hasn't it...
[rip tea, you did not deserve]
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Lorenz can likely see the gears turning in Camilla's head before her expression slowly pales, her hand withdrawing itself with haste after he ducks his head. She patted her lord's head, like he was some kind of child--like he was one of her siblings! What was she thinking?! That's so improper, that's so incredibly idiotic, that's shameful! Utterly shameful! Even as she maintains eye-contact with him and looks like she's going through all five stages of grief at once, it's clear that even she isn't processing this well.
She's about to blurt out an apology, perhaps several all at once, he speaks up and she's...okay, barely registering everything, but that last bit about the tea gets Camilla's attention and she forcibly straightens up--]
Ah, yes, it simply must have! We do appear to have been talking for quite some time. Do allow me to apologize for that, my lord! Among other misconduct--
[She is. Currently trying not to die here, but she's at least trying to pretend that didn't happen, even if she's kind of rushing through her words.]
Should I go prepare another pot, my lord?
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Camilla, you don't need to apologize.
[That much is firm, though it takes him a moment of floundering and avoiding eye contact before he continues.]
All of this has been... exceptionally difficult for you, and I'm not upset by the... ah... head-patting.
[...Okay, he thought he had this, but he is rapidly losing control of it, let's try again...]
Please, do not concern yourself with that. It doesn't bother me.
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No, no, Lord Lorenz, that was utterly improper of me. I-I should not have acted in the way I did, even under duress.
[...]
I...commonly did that when I was younger, to the few siblings I held good terms with. They often found it a comforting, reassuring gesture. I must have thought...
[...Yeah, Camilla is not finishing that. She's a servant, and nothing more, and that's a fact that needs to be ironed into her head, she's certain.]
...I swear to never do such a thing ever again.
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[It's firm again this time, and he's finally managing to look at her and not want to die of embarrassment.]
Given what you were talking about, it's only understandable that you started thinking of your siblings. Our closeness is something you seem to value greatly, and I'm not bothered by your actions. It was a bit startling, yes, but that does not mean I found it terrible or anything of the sort. I'm not going to punish you for that, nor will I speak of it again.
[He relaxes a little once that's out there, though.]
Please, don't feel bad about it. I promise you, I'm not bothered by it.
[He imagines that it was as much a comfort for Camilla as it was for her siblings. It's no wonder she defaulted to that...]
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It does actually make her feel a bit better. Because Lord Lorenz isn't wrong; she values their closeness incredibly. It's all she's really ever had in her years in House Gloucester's walls; it wasn't as if she had allowed herself to think of much else, neglecting anything to do with herself for the sake of becoming the perfect servant. Camilla has really never done anything for herself, she's never allowed herself selfishness, or anything that would benefit her and her alone.
It's a lot to realize, but when she eases this time, it's genuine. Camilla's hands rest themselves upon the little table, and Camilla nods her head.]
You are not incorrect, my lord. I value our closeness quite a bit. It is...perhaps all that I have had, for years. It is not as if I had any friendly acquaintances; most avoided me entirely.
[The admission comes easily, despite how honest it is. He might not have honestly known that, but she's sure that he's at least had an inkling. Camilla actually feels...okay with such a selfish action, because it did bring her comfort to do that. To view him as a younger brother, for even a second.]
I shall not feel bad about it, and if my lord wishes to never speak of it again, I shall not bring it up. [Camilla bows, slightly.] And in kind...I thank you for your understanding.
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I'm pleased I've been able to make your stay at House Gloucester just a bit easier, then.
[It's the truth, and if he ever had any doubt about his desire to look out for Camilla just as she does for him, it's washed away now. As her lord, he wants to look out for her too. That's the proper use of nobility, after all.]
You're welcome. Of course I want to understand what you've been through. Thank you for confiding in me. As I've said, not a word of this will leave this room. I'm very pleased you can trust me with all of this.
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[Camilla chuckles easily at that, hidden behind a brought up hand. He has, more than he could ever know. In a way, this has only assured that she intends to redouble her efforts in serving him to the last; he will never have to worry about anything as long as she lives and breathes.]
It's no trouble at all. Truly, I could think of nobody that I would trust more; your insights are as keen as ever, my lord, and your ability to address and understand the situations as I have laid them out is superb. Not that I would expect any less of you, of course.
[It isn't an attempt at deflection, for once. She truly means it, but...she is kind of staring at the tea, then his hair, and really just everything...]
My lord, your tea has likely frozen over by now. Shall I prepare another batch? [...] And would you like a comb, to take care of your hair?
[It isn't awkward when she brings it up; it's genuine questioning. She'll gladly come back with a new batch of tea so that way they can talk about more pleasant things, or simply read together if needed. Either way, Camilla's more than fine with it.]
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Then her eyes go from the tea to his hair and back again and he realizes with dawning horror that he didn't actually fix his hair...]
Oh. Ah... Yes, both of those would be appreciated...
[He's already trying to smooth it out a bit with his hands, but a comb is absolutely required to fix it properly...]
Thank you, Camilla. I didn't mean for your hard work to go to waste!
[He means the tea, obviously...]
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Oh no, it's truly no trouble at all! There isn't any fault to be placed for this, so please, do not worry.
[Let her just go and grab a comb...Camilla has likely memorized his room pretty well by now to know where he keeps them, so let her just find the drawer and pull one out a comb like it's nothing! She's simply good at predicting where he keeps his stuff, that's all.
She'll pass it to him easily.]
Your comb, my lord. I shall be off to prepare some more tea--is there anything else you might require, that I can obtain for you?
[Camilla already has those books in her knapsack, but she isn't bringing that with her this time, so he can paw through it as needed. But she would be remiss if she didn't ask!]
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Thank you.
[He's quick to get to work on his hair, straightening out the strands with the comb and battling it back into the usual sleek submission.]
No, no, you've already obtained the books I asked for, so there's nothing else I require. Thank you again, Camilla.
[He offers her a (slightly awkward) smile to accompany the words.]
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[And with a bow, Camilla will be off for a bit, taking the tray with her. (Though she absolutely leaves those treats for Lorenz because those are not going to waste, she's sure.) She wants to make sure that tea is perfect, and she's gladly ensuring that they won't be wasting this. It's with renewed vigor that she walks back to the dormitories, and--
Nearly loses the tea when Claude decides he wants to talk to her briefly. He's wondering where Lorenz is, debonair and annoying as ever, and Camilla directs him toward the library. Which is the exact opposite of where he is; she's absolutely certain that Claude does not buy that for a second. Of course, she doesn't allow him to press for long, simply sashaying around him and walking with a little more force back to the dormitories.
...And making sure Claude hasn't decided to tail her, which perhaps mercifully, he hasn't. That boy is a menace and Camilla enters the room again with a slightly tight smile.]
Here is your tea, my lord. And apologies for the delay; I was met with a certain clodhopper and had to ensure he didn't cause a bother.
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No worries— Ah. What did Claude want with you?
[The way he comes down on the name makes it very clear that is just so entirely done with Claude and his shenanigans, and also everything he has decided to be.]
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He was looking for you, apparently. He likely had something utterly inane to bother you with; he did not offer clarification when I asked. I simply directed him towards the library, in the hopes that would occupy his time.
[Camilla sounds just as annoyed as she looks, believe her. Ugh.]
Do forgive me for speaking plainly, my lord, but that man is nothing but a pest at best, and a menace at worst.
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