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we're flying through the night
[There are a lot of things Hubert knows for certain.
He knows that Lady Edelgard will take the throne and usher in a new era for Fódlan. He knows that his duty is to serve Lady Edelgard, regardless of personal cost. He knows that he would do anything and everything for her. He knows that his entire being is devoted to her, completely. He knows that nothing can stand in the way of her conquest or of his devotion.
He also knows that he's been coughing up flower petals for exactly a week now.
Hanahaki Disease is certainly not uncommon in the monastery; most of them are a bunch of stupid teenagers, it certainly isn't surprising that several of them have managed to find themselves developing feelings for someone. Such a stupid, pointless thing should have been limited to the dumb teenagers who have nothing to worry about but grades and their stupid, pointless feelings for one another.
This shouldn't be happening to someone like him. Perhaps he would be taking the situation more seriously if his feelings were for Lady Edelgard - although a situation like that is a bit horrifying to imagine. He would never betray her trust in such a way. He loves her, certainly. But not like that. That would only cause problems.
No, these feelings have come from someone else; someone entirely unexpected.
Marianne.
It's been four months since they met. In truth, he doesn't recall much of their first interaction. Claude had called Lady Edelgard over (which meant he had come with her) to introduce the others in his house as they ate breakfast. All he can remember is assessing the individuals to see if any of them could potentially be useful to the future Empress or if they could pose a threat. Marianne hadn't stood out at the time.
She hadn't stood out much when they'd first ended up talking either. It had been during some downtime, when she was tending to the animals and he was doing his usual patrols around the grounds. He'd startled the horses she was tending to so badly it had taken her quite a long time to calm them down. He had lingered a bit - curiosity compelling him to stay and watch - but he doesn't recall much of their conversation that day. Marianne was just as quiet as he had figured.
They met a few times like that, where she took care of the horses and pegasi and he watched. Despite being the most intimidating student in the academy (because he was certainly more intimidating than Dedue), she had let him remain there without much in the way of commentary.
Eventually, she ended up joining their class. Professor Byleth is certainly a skilled instructor (despite their lack of experience in teaching), so it was no surprise that Marianne had eventually left the Golden Deer to join up with them. Not that he's really aware why Marianne had joined - he hasn't asked her. It's the most logical conclusion, though.
From there, they were set to stable duty together. He'd tried to get the professor to change their mind and stick him with Lady Edelgard, but they had refused to budge. Lady Edelgard also seems to be fine with her current job with Dorothea, so he supposes he can't complain too much... Even so, it's left him with a lot of time to get to know Marianne.
Oh, sure, they don't really talk that much. At first, it was difficult to work with her. She was so quiet and he was completely inexperienced at tending to animals, and the whole thing was a mess. But eventually she started explaining how and why she was doing things to help calm the animals, and while they certainly don't like him, they're beginning to warm up a bit.
He would have just left it at that, and maybe this whole Hanahaki disaster wouldn't have happened. But instead, he decided he needed to be three steps ahead - as always - and asked Marianne to teach him to ride. A horse, of course, he wouldn't dare get near a wyvern or a pegasus. Hopefully no one was aware of that little problem.
Marianne had agreed, and riding lessons have been going surprisingly smoothly. Hubert was taught to ride as a child, but his mastery of horses is... lacking. Desperately lacking. If he has to fight on horseback, he'll definitely die. So learning to train a horse and teach it to respond to his commands is important, and Marianne has been helping tremendously.
Well, she was helping. Before the whole Hanahaki disaster thing.
He hasn't seen her in three days. Not that he's avoiding her. Or keeping track of the days. No, that isn't it at all. It's just that he's been terribly busy with Lady Edelgard's plans - they still can't do anything just yet, but every step is another one closer to her victory. It's slow-going, but it's a necessity.
In truth, he's been distant from everyone, even her. He has work to do, certainly. But he also has to keep these stupid petals to himself so no one finds out. Admitting that he has a problem sounds like a horrible idea. It would just cause Lady Edelgard to worry and the other students of the Black Eagles house to tease him mercilessly. So no, he won't do that. Once he has the time, he'll simply track down Professor Manuela and make her remove this stupid thing. The memories he'll lose don't matter to him.
(Never mind that he could do this at any point and waiting only makes it worse.)
Today isn't really any better than any of the days before it. He can usually get through the days with only two coughing jags, and he's been lucky enough to hide it from everyone. Today continues that trend - but only barely.
It strikes him when he's in the library, searching through financial records for information that could assist Lady Edelgard. The near-choking feeling hits him suddenly, and he coughs up more than a handful of delicate, white petals. The fact that they're still white is good - it hasn't been long enough to risk staining them red. Perhaps that's the one good thing about this - at least he's coughing up light-colored petals.
Linhardt is in the library, but even the rough, nearly-pained sounds of coughing up flower petals isn't enough to wake him. Hubert can be thankful of that much, but he's certainly not wasting any more time in here. He puts the books away, grabs the petals, and leaves. Hubert heads back to his room in a hurry, those petals clutched tightly in hand so no one will see them. No one can know about this.
...He's missed a single petal, but surely that isn't important.]
He knows that Lady Edelgard will take the throne and usher in a new era for Fódlan. He knows that his duty is to serve Lady Edelgard, regardless of personal cost. He knows that he would do anything and everything for her. He knows that his entire being is devoted to her, completely. He knows that nothing can stand in the way of her conquest or of his devotion.
He also knows that he's been coughing up flower petals for exactly a week now.
Hanahaki Disease is certainly not uncommon in the monastery; most of them are a bunch of stupid teenagers, it certainly isn't surprising that several of them have managed to find themselves developing feelings for someone. Such a stupid, pointless thing should have been limited to the dumb teenagers who have nothing to worry about but grades and their stupid, pointless feelings for one another.
This shouldn't be happening to someone like him. Perhaps he would be taking the situation more seriously if his feelings were for Lady Edelgard - although a situation like that is a bit horrifying to imagine. He would never betray her trust in such a way. He loves her, certainly. But not like that. That would only cause problems.
No, these feelings have come from someone else; someone entirely unexpected.
Marianne.
It's been four months since they met. In truth, he doesn't recall much of their first interaction. Claude had called Lady Edelgard over (which meant he had come with her) to introduce the others in his house as they ate breakfast. All he can remember is assessing the individuals to see if any of them could potentially be useful to the future Empress or if they could pose a threat. Marianne hadn't stood out at the time.
She hadn't stood out much when they'd first ended up talking either. It had been during some downtime, when she was tending to the animals and he was doing his usual patrols around the grounds. He'd startled the horses she was tending to so badly it had taken her quite a long time to calm them down. He had lingered a bit - curiosity compelling him to stay and watch - but he doesn't recall much of their conversation that day. Marianne was just as quiet as he had figured.
They met a few times like that, where she took care of the horses and pegasi and he watched. Despite being the most intimidating student in the academy (because he was certainly more intimidating than Dedue), she had let him remain there without much in the way of commentary.
Eventually, she ended up joining their class. Professor Byleth is certainly a skilled instructor (despite their lack of experience in teaching), so it was no surprise that Marianne had eventually left the Golden Deer to join up with them. Not that he's really aware why Marianne had joined - he hasn't asked her. It's the most logical conclusion, though.
From there, they were set to stable duty together. He'd tried to get the professor to change their mind and stick him with Lady Edelgard, but they had refused to budge. Lady Edelgard also seems to be fine with her current job with Dorothea, so he supposes he can't complain too much... Even so, it's left him with a lot of time to get to know Marianne.
Oh, sure, they don't really talk that much. At first, it was difficult to work with her. She was so quiet and he was completely inexperienced at tending to animals, and the whole thing was a mess. But eventually she started explaining how and why she was doing things to help calm the animals, and while they certainly don't like him, they're beginning to warm up a bit.
He would have just left it at that, and maybe this whole Hanahaki disaster wouldn't have happened. But instead, he decided he needed to be three steps ahead - as always - and asked Marianne to teach him to ride. A horse, of course, he wouldn't dare get near a wyvern or a pegasus. Hopefully no one was aware of that little problem.
Marianne had agreed, and riding lessons have been going surprisingly smoothly. Hubert was taught to ride as a child, but his mastery of horses is... lacking. Desperately lacking. If he has to fight on horseback, he'll definitely die. So learning to train a horse and teach it to respond to his commands is important, and Marianne has been helping tremendously.
Well, she was helping. Before the whole Hanahaki disaster thing.
He hasn't seen her in three days. Not that he's avoiding her. Or keeping track of the days. No, that isn't it at all. It's just that he's been terribly busy with Lady Edelgard's plans - they still can't do anything just yet, but every step is another one closer to her victory. It's slow-going, but it's a necessity.
In truth, he's been distant from everyone, even her. He has work to do, certainly. But he also has to keep these stupid petals to himself so no one finds out. Admitting that he has a problem sounds like a horrible idea. It would just cause Lady Edelgard to worry and the other students of the Black Eagles house to tease him mercilessly. So no, he won't do that. Once he has the time, he'll simply track down Professor Manuela and make her remove this stupid thing. The memories he'll lose don't matter to him.
(Never mind that he could do this at any point and waiting only makes it worse.)
Today isn't really any better than any of the days before it. He can usually get through the days with only two coughing jags, and he's been lucky enough to hide it from everyone. Today continues that trend - but only barely.
It strikes him when he's in the library, searching through financial records for information that could assist Lady Edelgard. The near-choking feeling hits him suddenly, and he coughs up more than a handful of delicate, white petals. The fact that they're still white is good - it hasn't been long enough to risk staining them red. Perhaps that's the one good thing about this - at least he's coughing up light-colored petals.
Linhardt is in the library, but even the rough, nearly-pained sounds of coughing up flower petals isn't enough to wake him. Hubert can be thankful of that much, but he's certainly not wasting any more time in here. He puts the books away, grabs the petals, and leaves. Hubert heads back to his room in a hurry, those petals clutched tightly in hand so no one will see them. No one can know about this.
...He's missed a single petal, but surely that isn't important.]
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But then he speaks up, and Marianne looks up at him--her face still flushed to hell and back, and she does embarrassedly glance away, but...]
I'm...I'm glad you did. It was really, really nice of you to do that for me. Even if I was...really bad at it, at first.
[Marianne admittedly can't tell the difference when he's lying or telling the truth, admittedly, but she has no reason to believe he'd lie to her. As far as she knows, he's always been truthful.]
I-It um...really made me like you all the more. I think. Knowing how kind you were to do so.
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I'm not kind.
[It leaves him immediately, before he can think about it. That's... not a good sign... Maybe she'll just think he's being picky about it or something, anyway time to move on quickly—]
I agree, though. Teaching you was a wonderful way to get to know you even better, and seeing you work so hard was... very nice. I'm very happy you wanted my assistance.
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You're...really the only one I trusted with something like that. You went out of your way to try and slow everything down, so that I would get it, and I...I really did appreciate it. Nobody else ever thought of that.
[...]
Why don't you think you're kind?
[Marianne's a little worried, honestly...did she say something out of turn? She probably said something out of turn. Marianne stops dancing and shrinks in on herself--]
I-I'm sorry, I--I shouldn't question it. I shouldn't have said anything at all.
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There isn't any way he can think of to address that. What is he supposed to say? He can't reveal the things he's done for Lady Edelgard - the things he will do for Lady Edelgard - and now isn't the time to talk about her path and what will happen in the future. He could, certainly, but he doesn't want to. Not yet. He doesn't want to end tonight on a sour note like that. He just wants things to be okay for a little bit longer.
But he can't just dismiss it, not after she apologizes for overstepping her bounds - which she hasn't, she's well within her rights to ask.
He wants to reassure her and comfort her, but he doesn't know how to. It wouldn't be fair to.]
House Vestra is... not exactly like many other noble families. We serve as the Emperor's shadow, doing whatever needs to be done to assist the Emperor, no matter how terrible. I have been trained from a young age to see to Lady Edelgard's needs in the same way.
[It's a careful answer, and his gaze drifts off somewhere over her shoulder so he's no longer looking at her.]
...I am not the sort of person who is capable of being kind.
[And that's... really it, isn't it. It's not an admission of anything else, but maybe it's a start. Maybe it'll help explain things a bit when the inevitable does happen.
He isn't kind. He doesn't know how to be kind. And he never will, since it isn't something he needs.]
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Not at all what Marianne expected. She's never been one to keep up with rumors about the nobility (because she's had to deal with her own, fending off the rumors and the scholars and everyone else who wanted to study her or condemn her like she already condemns herself--), but the idea that he does such reprehensible things...that his whole family was trained for that...
Marianne isn't disgusted, but her look seems almost...sad, for a moment. Sad for the life he's lead. Sad for the one he still leads, that he will lead when Edelgard eventually becomes Empress, but...
There's so much she could say. She could tell him it doesn't matter, but it clearly does if he's so offended by it. She could tell him that the goddess would surely forgive him, but he's not a religious sort.
It's suddenly hitting Marianne that she has no idea how to deal with this, but her grip tightens on him, and she doesn't want him to run away. Marianne adores him, even despite this, but her words have never been good for this sort of thing--]
Hubert.
[Marianne is perhaps...surprisingly firm, for once.]
What...would you call teaching me how to dance, then? What would you call coming up here to pray, even...even when you aren't religious? What would you call, um, doing so many things with me that...that you know make me happy?
I...I think that's kindness. I think that's--that your actions speak far louder to me, than your words do. E-Even if you do whatever must be done for Edelgard, t-that doesn't change that.
[Marianne isn't sure how to convey that even if such a thing is a shock--that it's not something she expected, that she doesn't believe it and that she really, truly believes he's capable of being kind.]
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Her grip is tight and she looks... sad? Sad. He isn't sure what to do with this and as she continues he only ends up even more confused.]
I...
[What would he call that? None of it has been necessary for Lady Edelgard or her plans, he knows that. It's why he's had such a hard time with all of this, after all, because in the end he doesn't know how to pursue anything he wants for himself. That's what Lady Edelgard has been trying to get at this whole time.
So if none of this was necessary and he was doing it just because he wants to, because it will make her happy and because he loves her, then what does that make it?
"Kind" may not be the exact word for it, but it's pretty damn close.]
I see.
[He sort of doesn't?? But his gaze darts and he can feel himself flushing.]
You have my apologies, then. For... For speaking so cruelly about my actions. Everything I have done for you is because I want to please you and help you.
[And that's perhaps too true.]
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He asked her once if she intended to let her crest control her life--something that defined her, something that she believed would snatch away any happiness she had in a heartbeat. Hubert's taught her that it doesn't have to control her; he's given her so much kindness and understanding that it's...overwhelming, sometimes.
Maybe she's just lovestruck, or hoping too cling to the one thing she loves, but...well, she wouldn't have grown those flowers if she didn't love him, would she?]
...It's okay. I...I know what it's like, at least kind of...
[Marianne winds up averting her gaze.]
But...I'm glad. That...that means that you're not as...um, bad at this as you think. A-at least that's what I think.
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He should tell her. He should let her know, and then allow her the freedom to choose. If she says with him, there's no telling what will become of her friends with the Golden Deer, or of the Alliance. If she turns her back on him...
He'll have to kill her. Maybe not right away, but at some point. He doubts she could simply let him continue on this path if she can't agree with it, anyway.
The thought makes it hard to breathe, almost as if those damned flowers had reappeared with their stranglehold on his lungs.]
...Thank you, Marianne. I... am really pleased to hear that.
[It's cruel to lead her on like this, hasn't he been thinking that this whole time? He should tell her. It doesn't matter if the night ends poorly, he should tell her.
But yet again he finds himself unable to do so, and he pulls her closer. He isn't pretending to dance with her anymore, this is a proper hug - one that's admittedly a bit stiff and awkward, like he's not really sure how to go about it. He doesn't want her to see his face, he just...
He wants to pretend things will be okay. Just one more night of this and then... then he'll tell her everything. He'll give her the choice she desperately needs to make. But for now...
For now, he wants to remain selfish and cruel. Just for an excuse to hold her for a little longer.
How pathetic.]
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His hug manages to get her out of her own quickly spiraling thoughts, and she's...shocked, really. She's not sure how to respond, making a small, surprised noise--he's...pleased enough to hug her. He's never done that before. Is this something he really needs, then...?
Marianne isn't sure. She's never been good at hugs anyway, but...well, she'll return the gesture, perhaps just as stiff. She doesn't want to let go of him, she just...]
I-It's...okay. It's okay. I'm, um, sorry that I said something like that so suddenly. But I...I just wanted you to know that.
[There's a lot she wants him to know. There's a lot she wants for them, for this kind man who's done nothing but be kind to her and give her hope that maybe, a wonderful future is possible...
...]
I...I...
[Marianne's voice is a whisper as she buries herself in him, speaking those damning words that have been on the tip of her tongue all night.]
I love you.
[...Oh no, oh no, she needs to salvage this before he runs--]
I-I just...don't want you to...be controlled. By that. By...by your circumstances. L-Like you said about my...my crest.
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Then she speaks those three damning words and he's equally torn between terror and elation.
It isn't really a surprise to hear them, he supposes. The flowers that bloomed within her were proof of infatuation, at the very least, and they have spent a good amount of time around one another. He's certain he loves her, after all, so it shouldn't be a surprise.
Yet it is anyway, and for a moment he freezes up. He's glad she can't see his face, because he isn't sure what his expression is doing and whether happiness or fear is winning out.
He loves her, and she loves him, and were things different, this would be a wonderful, happy moment.
But it isn't, and it can't be. His loyalty and devotion are to Lady Edelgard first and foremost, and they always will be. The path she walks is one he believes in completely and will sacrifice everything and everyone for. He has been prepared for this since the day she came back and started making plans to change the very foundation of this rotting world. She could ask anything from him, and he would do it in a heartbeat. Were it to further her cause, there is nothing he would not do.
And yet here's Marianne, entirely unaware of this, entirely unaware of what he is, believing that she loves him. How could he have been so cruel to let this get so far? His selfishness and desire to be near her for just a little while has only led to this. He's had plenty of chances to put a stop to it - to drive her away, to hurt her less.
But he didn't. He chose his own happiness - no matter how brief - over what's best for her. What a stupid, stupid mistake. This is exactly why he should never allow himself even a fleeting moment of happiness - because it will only come back to bite him, and possibly everyone else.
He knows he needs to say something, to acknowledge it or... or something, but he can't find anything to say. She's continued speaking, but he scarcely hears the words over the internal panic that keeps rising. He doesn't want to flee, but if he doesn't flee, isn't that only making things worse? He doesn't want to let go, but if he doesn't, won't that make it harder on her?
He wants to remain here, and tell her he loves her, and hold her tightly for the rest of the night. He wants to get lost in their promises and hopes for the future. He wants to pretend that they have a future together.
But it's his stupid, selfish wants that got him into this mess. He can't keep doing this.
So Hubert pulls back (slowly, too slowly) and brings a hand up to rest against the side of Marianne's face. He shouldn't be selfish - he can't be - but for this one moment he allows himself to look at her, to commit her appearance to memory. Her long, beautiful hair, styled so differently from normal. Her gorgeous dress that only highlights her beauty. Everything, everything he loves and desires, and everything he can never have.
Then he pulls away entirely and bows.]
I'm sorry, Marianne. I can never give you what you want or need. I can never be a person worthy of your love. Forgive me for being so selfish.
[The hand at his chest and the one behind his back are shaking, and he tries to will them to stop as he rights himself. For a brief moment, his expression is openly pained (well, as open as Hubert ever gets, anyway) and then it's gone and he turns to leave.
He knows this will only hurt her, but isn't that better than continuing to pretend that she can have everything she wants from him, when he's only going to hurt her even worse?
He has to convince himself of that. There simply isn't any other way.]
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Marianne was so naive to think that her accursed presence would bring anything but trouble. She startles when he pulls back slowly, and she wonders briefly if he'll say something. He just...stares at her openly, and then he pulls back entirely and bows before her and speaks and...
Marianne swears that her heart just shattered. She can see that pained look on his face all too briefly, before he leaves her behind and she...
Well, it takes a few seconds. It takes a few seconds for the reality of the situation to hit before she finds a nice little corner at the top of the tower and cries. She's so stupid. She was such an idiot to say anything, to try to stand up for what she felt was wrongful, hateful thoughts on Hubert's end and the more she thinks about it, the more she recedes back into that old mindset of hers. She's cursed. Cursed. This only proves it, that Marianne should have been happy with her lot in life and that she should have accepted it, because it was all she deserved.
Maybe this is what the Goddess was trying to show her, and this is how She decided to answer Marianne's prayers. By reminding her of her place in this land, of her accursed presence, of the fact that she truly can bring only misfortune to the people around her. That even trying to express herself was a mistake, and she should have never said anything at all. She shouldn't have followed her heart, as her crest would only ensure it lead to misery.
Dorothea and Hilda wind up finding her later, red-eyed and curled up in a corner, and the both of them try to talk to her--to ask what happened, to see if they can help--and Marianne shoves them away and runs. She runs all the way back to her room and proceeds to lock the door tightly, intending to shut out not only them, but everyone else.
It's fine. It's surely fine. If Bernadetta can spend so much time alone in her room, then so can Marianne. Maybe this way Hubert will actually be able to find happiness without her poor luck dragging him down.
That's simply the way of the world, and it's something Marianne should have simply accepted.]