![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
we're flying through the night
[There are a lot of things Hubert knows for certain.
He knows that Lady Edelgard will take the throne and usher in a new era for Fódlan. He knows that his duty is to serve Lady Edelgard, regardless of personal cost. He knows that he would do anything and everything for her. He knows that his entire being is devoted to her, completely. He knows that nothing can stand in the way of her conquest or of his devotion.
He also knows that he's been coughing up flower petals for exactly a week now.
Hanahaki Disease is certainly not uncommon in the monastery; most of them are a bunch of stupid teenagers, it certainly isn't surprising that several of them have managed to find themselves developing feelings for someone. Such a stupid, pointless thing should have been limited to the dumb teenagers who have nothing to worry about but grades and their stupid, pointless feelings for one another.
This shouldn't be happening to someone like him. Perhaps he would be taking the situation more seriously if his feelings were for Lady Edelgard - although a situation like that is a bit horrifying to imagine. He would never betray her trust in such a way. He loves her, certainly. But not like that. That would only cause problems.
No, these feelings have come from someone else; someone entirely unexpected.
Marianne.
It's been four months since they met. In truth, he doesn't recall much of their first interaction. Claude had called Lady Edelgard over (which meant he had come with her) to introduce the others in his house as they ate breakfast. All he can remember is assessing the individuals to see if any of them could potentially be useful to the future Empress or if they could pose a threat. Marianne hadn't stood out at the time.
She hadn't stood out much when they'd first ended up talking either. It had been during some downtime, when she was tending to the animals and he was doing his usual patrols around the grounds. He'd startled the horses she was tending to so badly it had taken her quite a long time to calm them down. He had lingered a bit - curiosity compelling him to stay and watch - but he doesn't recall much of their conversation that day. Marianne was just as quiet as he had figured.
They met a few times like that, where she took care of the horses and pegasi and he watched. Despite being the most intimidating student in the academy (because he was certainly more intimidating than Dedue), she had let him remain there without much in the way of commentary.
Eventually, she ended up joining their class. Professor Byleth is certainly a skilled instructor (despite their lack of experience in teaching), so it was no surprise that Marianne had eventually left the Golden Deer to join up with them. Not that he's really aware why Marianne had joined - he hasn't asked her. It's the most logical conclusion, though.
From there, they were set to stable duty together. He'd tried to get the professor to change their mind and stick him with Lady Edelgard, but they had refused to budge. Lady Edelgard also seems to be fine with her current job with Dorothea, so he supposes he can't complain too much... Even so, it's left him with a lot of time to get to know Marianne.
Oh, sure, they don't really talk that much. At first, it was difficult to work with her. She was so quiet and he was completely inexperienced at tending to animals, and the whole thing was a mess. But eventually she started explaining how and why she was doing things to help calm the animals, and while they certainly don't like him, they're beginning to warm up a bit.
He would have just left it at that, and maybe this whole Hanahaki disaster wouldn't have happened. But instead, he decided he needed to be three steps ahead - as always - and asked Marianne to teach him to ride. A horse, of course, he wouldn't dare get near a wyvern or a pegasus. Hopefully no one was aware of that little problem.
Marianne had agreed, and riding lessons have been going surprisingly smoothly. Hubert was taught to ride as a child, but his mastery of horses is... lacking. Desperately lacking. If he has to fight on horseback, he'll definitely die. So learning to train a horse and teach it to respond to his commands is important, and Marianne has been helping tremendously.
Well, she was helping. Before the whole Hanahaki disaster thing.
He hasn't seen her in three days. Not that he's avoiding her. Or keeping track of the days. No, that isn't it at all. It's just that he's been terribly busy with Lady Edelgard's plans - they still can't do anything just yet, but every step is another one closer to her victory. It's slow-going, but it's a necessity.
In truth, he's been distant from everyone, even her. He has work to do, certainly. But he also has to keep these stupid petals to himself so no one finds out. Admitting that he has a problem sounds like a horrible idea. It would just cause Lady Edelgard to worry and the other students of the Black Eagles house to tease him mercilessly. So no, he won't do that. Once he has the time, he'll simply track down Professor Manuela and make her remove this stupid thing. The memories he'll lose don't matter to him.
(Never mind that he could do this at any point and waiting only makes it worse.)
Today isn't really any better than any of the days before it. He can usually get through the days with only two coughing jags, and he's been lucky enough to hide it from everyone. Today continues that trend - but only barely.
It strikes him when he's in the library, searching through financial records for information that could assist Lady Edelgard. The near-choking feeling hits him suddenly, and he coughs up more than a handful of delicate, white petals. The fact that they're still white is good - it hasn't been long enough to risk staining them red. Perhaps that's the one good thing about this - at least he's coughing up light-colored petals.
Linhardt is in the library, but even the rough, nearly-pained sounds of coughing up flower petals isn't enough to wake him. Hubert can be thankful of that much, but he's certainly not wasting any more time in here. He puts the books away, grabs the petals, and leaves. Hubert heads back to his room in a hurry, those petals clutched tightly in hand so no one will see them. No one can know about this.
...He's missed a single petal, but surely that isn't important.]
He knows that Lady Edelgard will take the throne and usher in a new era for Fódlan. He knows that his duty is to serve Lady Edelgard, regardless of personal cost. He knows that he would do anything and everything for her. He knows that his entire being is devoted to her, completely. He knows that nothing can stand in the way of her conquest or of his devotion.
He also knows that he's been coughing up flower petals for exactly a week now.
Hanahaki Disease is certainly not uncommon in the monastery; most of them are a bunch of stupid teenagers, it certainly isn't surprising that several of them have managed to find themselves developing feelings for someone. Such a stupid, pointless thing should have been limited to the dumb teenagers who have nothing to worry about but grades and their stupid, pointless feelings for one another.
This shouldn't be happening to someone like him. Perhaps he would be taking the situation more seriously if his feelings were for Lady Edelgard - although a situation like that is a bit horrifying to imagine. He would never betray her trust in such a way. He loves her, certainly. But not like that. That would only cause problems.
No, these feelings have come from someone else; someone entirely unexpected.
Marianne.
It's been four months since they met. In truth, he doesn't recall much of their first interaction. Claude had called Lady Edelgard over (which meant he had come with her) to introduce the others in his house as they ate breakfast. All he can remember is assessing the individuals to see if any of them could potentially be useful to the future Empress or if they could pose a threat. Marianne hadn't stood out at the time.
She hadn't stood out much when they'd first ended up talking either. It had been during some downtime, when she was tending to the animals and he was doing his usual patrols around the grounds. He'd startled the horses she was tending to so badly it had taken her quite a long time to calm them down. He had lingered a bit - curiosity compelling him to stay and watch - but he doesn't recall much of their conversation that day. Marianne was just as quiet as he had figured.
They met a few times like that, where she took care of the horses and pegasi and he watched. Despite being the most intimidating student in the academy (because he was certainly more intimidating than Dedue), she had let him remain there without much in the way of commentary.
Eventually, she ended up joining their class. Professor Byleth is certainly a skilled instructor (despite their lack of experience in teaching), so it was no surprise that Marianne had eventually left the Golden Deer to join up with them. Not that he's really aware why Marianne had joined - he hasn't asked her. It's the most logical conclusion, though.
From there, they were set to stable duty together. He'd tried to get the professor to change their mind and stick him with Lady Edelgard, but they had refused to budge. Lady Edelgard also seems to be fine with her current job with Dorothea, so he supposes he can't complain too much... Even so, it's left him with a lot of time to get to know Marianne.
Oh, sure, they don't really talk that much. At first, it was difficult to work with her. She was so quiet and he was completely inexperienced at tending to animals, and the whole thing was a mess. But eventually she started explaining how and why she was doing things to help calm the animals, and while they certainly don't like him, they're beginning to warm up a bit.
He would have just left it at that, and maybe this whole Hanahaki disaster wouldn't have happened. But instead, he decided he needed to be three steps ahead - as always - and asked Marianne to teach him to ride. A horse, of course, he wouldn't dare get near a wyvern or a pegasus. Hopefully no one was aware of that little problem.
Marianne had agreed, and riding lessons have been going surprisingly smoothly. Hubert was taught to ride as a child, but his mastery of horses is... lacking. Desperately lacking. If he has to fight on horseback, he'll definitely die. So learning to train a horse and teach it to respond to his commands is important, and Marianne has been helping tremendously.
Well, she was helping. Before the whole Hanahaki disaster thing.
He hasn't seen her in three days. Not that he's avoiding her. Or keeping track of the days. No, that isn't it at all. It's just that he's been terribly busy with Lady Edelgard's plans - they still can't do anything just yet, but every step is another one closer to her victory. It's slow-going, but it's a necessity.
In truth, he's been distant from everyone, even her. He has work to do, certainly. But he also has to keep these stupid petals to himself so no one finds out. Admitting that he has a problem sounds like a horrible idea. It would just cause Lady Edelgard to worry and the other students of the Black Eagles house to tease him mercilessly. So no, he won't do that. Once he has the time, he'll simply track down Professor Manuela and make her remove this stupid thing. The memories he'll lose don't matter to him.
(Never mind that he could do this at any point and waiting only makes it worse.)
Today isn't really any better than any of the days before it. He can usually get through the days with only two coughing jags, and he's been lucky enough to hide it from everyone. Today continues that trend - but only barely.
It strikes him when he's in the library, searching through financial records for information that could assist Lady Edelgard. The near-choking feeling hits him suddenly, and he coughs up more than a handful of delicate, white petals. The fact that they're still white is good - it hasn't been long enough to risk staining them red. Perhaps that's the one good thing about this - at least he's coughing up light-colored petals.
Linhardt is in the library, but even the rough, nearly-pained sounds of coughing up flower petals isn't enough to wake him. Hubert can be thankful of that much, but he's certainly not wasting any more time in here. He puts the books away, grabs the petals, and leaves. Hubert heads back to his room in a hurry, those petals clutched tightly in hand so no one will see them. No one can know about this.
...He's missed a single petal, but surely that isn't important.]
no subject
His hug manages to get her out of her own quickly spiraling thoughts, and she's...shocked, really. She's not sure how to respond, making a small, surprised noise--he's...pleased enough to hug her. He's never done that before. Is this something he really needs, then...?
Marianne isn't sure. She's never been good at hugs anyway, but...well, she'll return the gesture, perhaps just as stiff. She doesn't want to let go of him, she just...]
I-It's...okay. It's okay. I'm, um, sorry that I said something like that so suddenly. But I...I just wanted you to know that.
[There's a lot she wants him to know. There's a lot she wants for them, for this kind man who's done nothing but be kind to her and give her hope that maybe, a wonderful future is possible...
...]
I...I...
[Marianne's voice is a whisper as she buries herself in him, speaking those damning words that have been on the tip of her tongue all night.]
I love you.
[...Oh no, oh no, she needs to salvage this before he runs--]
I-I just...don't want you to...be controlled. By that. By...by your circumstances. L-Like you said about my...my crest.
no subject
Then she speaks those three damning words and he's equally torn between terror and elation.
It isn't really a surprise to hear them, he supposes. The flowers that bloomed within her were proof of infatuation, at the very least, and they have spent a good amount of time around one another. He's certain he loves her, after all, so it shouldn't be a surprise.
Yet it is anyway, and for a moment he freezes up. He's glad she can't see his face, because he isn't sure what his expression is doing and whether happiness or fear is winning out.
He loves her, and she loves him, and were things different, this would be a wonderful, happy moment.
But it isn't, and it can't be. His loyalty and devotion are to Lady Edelgard first and foremost, and they always will be. The path she walks is one he believes in completely and will sacrifice everything and everyone for. He has been prepared for this since the day she came back and started making plans to change the very foundation of this rotting world. She could ask anything from him, and he would do it in a heartbeat. Were it to further her cause, there is nothing he would not do.
And yet here's Marianne, entirely unaware of this, entirely unaware of what he is, believing that she loves him. How could he have been so cruel to let this get so far? His selfishness and desire to be near her for just a little while has only led to this. He's had plenty of chances to put a stop to it - to drive her away, to hurt her less.
But he didn't. He chose his own happiness - no matter how brief - over what's best for her. What a stupid, stupid mistake. This is exactly why he should never allow himself even a fleeting moment of happiness - because it will only come back to bite him, and possibly everyone else.
He knows he needs to say something, to acknowledge it or... or something, but he can't find anything to say. She's continued speaking, but he scarcely hears the words over the internal panic that keeps rising. He doesn't want to flee, but if he doesn't flee, isn't that only making things worse? He doesn't want to let go, but if he doesn't, won't that make it harder on her?
He wants to remain here, and tell her he loves her, and hold her tightly for the rest of the night. He wants to get lost in their promises and hopes for the future. He wants to pretend that they have a future together.
But it's his stupid, selfish wants that got him into this mess. He can't keep doing this.
So Hubert pulls back (slowly, too slowly) and brings a hand up to rest against the side of Marianne's face. He shouldn't be selfish - he can't be - but for this one moment he allows himself to look at her, to commit her appearance to memory. Her long, beautiful hair, styled so differently from normal. Her gorgeous dress that only highlights her beauty. Everything, everything he loves and desires, and everything he can never have.
Then he pulls away entirely and bows.]
I'm sorry, Marianne. I can never give you what you want or need. I can never be a person worthy of your love. Forgive me for being so selfish.
[The hand at his chest and the one behind his back are shaking, and he tries to will them to stop as he rights himself. For a brief moment, his expression is openly pained (well, as open as Hubert ever gets, anyway) and then it's gone and he turns to leave.
He knows this will only hurt her, but isn't that better than continuing to pretend that she can have everything she wants from him, when he's only going to hurt her even worse?
He has to convince himself of that. There simply isn't any other way.]
no subject
Marianne was so naive to think that her accursed presence would bring anything but trouble. She startles when he pulls back slowly, and she wonders briefly if he'll say something. He just...stares at her openly, and then he pulls back entirely and bows before her and speaks and...
Marianne swears that her heart just shattered. She can see that pained look on his face all too briefly, before he leaves her behind and she...
Well, it takes a few seconds. It takes a few seconds for the reality of the situation to hit before she finds a nice little corner at the top of the tower and cries. She's so stupid. She was such an idiot to say anything, to try to stand up for what she felt was wrongful, hateful thoughts on Hubert's end and the more she thinks about it, the more she recedes back into that old mindset of hers. She's cursed. Cursed. This only proves it, that Marianne should have been happy with her lot in life and that she should have accepted it, because it was all she deserved.
Maybe this is what the Goddess was trying to show her, and this is how She decided to answer Marianne's prayers. By reminding her of her place in this land, of her accursed presence, of the fact that she truly can bring only misfortune to the people around her. That even trying to express herself was a mistake, and she should have never said anything at all. She shouldn't have followed her heart, as her crest would only ensure it lead to misery.
Dorothea and Hilda wind up finding her later, red-eyed and curled up in a corner, and the both of them try to talk to her--to ask what happened, to see if they can help--and Marianne shoves them away and runs. She runs all the way back to her room and proceeds to lock the door tightly, intending to shut out not only them, but everyone else.
It's fine. It's surely fine. If Bernadetta can spend so much time alone in her room, then so can Marianne. Maybe this way Hubert will actually be able to find happiness without her poor luck dragging him down.
That's simply the way of the world, and it's something Marianne should have simply accepted.]